Battlestar Galactica Season 4.5 Epi. 17: Someone to Watch Over Me

Tonight’s Recap will start after the second blue header.

Thoughts – Theories – Questions  Going Into Tonight’s Episode

1. It seems the other 12 colonies did know that the 13th were Cylons, because Tory said they created them. The original Cylons had some resurrection technology, but it fell out of use when they started to procreate naturally. Why were they not able to procreate now? Obviously, we see now they can with humans, and Tigh could with Caprica Six.

2. We still don’t know the circumstances under which the 13th tribe left Kobol for Earth and under which the 12 tribes left Kobol for their new home.

3. So, Earth being nuked was another Cylon civil war with the Centurions turning on the skinjobs, just like they would later turn on the humans. What are these signs that were shown to the five that no one else could see? Anders said they were warnings that they eventually figured out and it lead them to put the plan in place to have a ship to resurrect on. Who were these warnings from? They backtracked the 13th tribes steps to find the 12 colonies, but who set up the temple as a shrine to them and orchestrated D’Anna seeing their faces?

4. We know that Ellen did know she was a Cylon before the other four, but we still don’t know who or what activated the others. It’s apparent that John was hiding their existence from the other models and it wouldn’t have been in his best interest to activate them. In the time that Ellen spent with Boomer did she convince her to do it? Show her how to do it? OR, is it that one true God that set up D’Anna seeing them?

Epi. 17: Someone to Watch Over Me

Previously on Battlestar Galactica: Galactica is falling apart. Tyrol uses an organic resin from the Cylon base ship to fix the damage. Boomer brings Ellen back to the fleet and is thrown in jail for her efforts. Starbuck finds her dead body on Earth. She asks Leoben, “What am I?,” but he’s too freaked out to answer.

And now…

As someone plays a piano, Starbuck wakes up to start her day. When she goes into her locker, she sees her dead face. She showers and starts her duties as CAG. There are humans, and Cylon sixes and eights flying with them. Their mission, says Starbuck, is the same as it has been week after week; try to find a habitable planet. The first pilot to find one gets the last tube of Turon toothpaste in the whole universe. I’d put that thing on eBay.

(Oddly enough, there’s a commerical offering up the prop at the Galactica auctions.)

Some interesting things of note during Starbuck’s speech: It’s been weeks since they discovered the nuked Earth, their numbers are thinned due to the mutiny so some Raptor pilots are flying solo.Which is important and comes into play later.

When she says that Six has the color assignments, one six in the front row raises her hand – I guess to separate herself from the others. They need names and … hair bows! Yes, they need different colored hair bows to tell them heifers apart. Same with the Eights, but maybe they should have like… scarves.

Anyway…

Tyrol is telling Adama, Lee, and the President that they don’t have that many jumps left withput causing hull damage. Adama isn’t ready to give up on her just yet.

Lee congratulates a Six, Sonya, on her quorum election. (See! That’s what I’m talking about. Names!) She says that when they reconvene, they plan on asking for Sharon (Boomer) in order to try her for treason and if she’s convicted, she’ll be put to death. Tyrol is all, “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?!”

And we have credits…

Various shots throughout Galactica show the ship shaking and the power flickering as the work is being done.

In the sick bay, Cottle doesn’t know what to make of Anders’ condition. He boots Ellen, Tory, and an Eight out of the room when they start offering up Cylon theories about his brain rebooting. I imagine his brain looks like this…

Cottle tells Starbuck that if there’s a change, she’ll be the first to know.

In the bar, Starbuck starts picking on a pianist who is composing a song.

While working on the Galactica, Tyrol has flashbacks to being with Boomer before things went to shit. He remembers kicking her to the curb when they were both in the brig. He wonders how many people end up with who they really wanted to be with and how many settled.

Starbuck arrives at Athena and Helo’s quarters. Hera is drawing circles. Helo managed to retrieve all of Starbuck’s stuff that was auctioned off amongst the other pilots when they thought she was dead. She picks up a cassette of someone playing live music at the Opera House. (And I think it said Thrace Opera House, but I can’t be sure.) The name is Dreilide Thrace. How many of you hit Google to see the meaning of Dreilide and if it’s a form of Daniel? LOL

You didn’t? Well, let me help you out:

The name ‘Dreilide’ is German for ‘third eyelid’ and refers to the inner eyelid, regarded as the gateway to the soul and realms of higher consciousness. The third eye is often associated with visions, clairvoyance, precognition, and out-of-body experiences, and people who have allegedly developed the capacity to use their third eyes are sometimes known as seers.

The analog for Dreilide Thrace in the Original Series is Chameleon. Chameleons have a third eye called a parietal eye.

Hera gives Starbuck her paper of circles and Starbuck leaves with the cassette.

Tyrol visits Boomer. She tells him she thought New Caprica was the way to make amends for what she had done. He says that you can’t force people to love you at the tip of a gun. She tells him she thought about him everyday since dying in his arms when pasty-faced Cally killed her. He says he thought of her as well. Cally is now rolling over in her galactic grave. Tyrol and Boomer touch hands through the bars and she projects the home they planned to build on Picon.

He freaks out and breaks the connection. She apologizes, but he runs off.

At the bar, Starbuck tells the pianist she likes the song he’s composing. It’s getting better. She says it reminds her of someone chasing a car and he says it’s supposed to make you think of loss.

Across the bar, Tyrol wants the other Final Cylons to step in on Boomer’s behalf. Tory’s selfish ass keeps her mouth shut, Ellen says they have to let the process play out, and Tigh just drinks. Tyrol sarcastically thanks Tigh for his input and Ellen reminds Tyrol that Tigh just lost his child so leave him be. She jabs a finger at him too. For some reason, I really like that.

In the brig, Boomer admits to Tyrol that she has been going to their home in her mind for awhile. He agrees to let her project him there again. It’s a beautiful house and it makes me want to get up and clean mine. For real. Like, I want to go to Pier 1 Imports and buy some plants and stuff. Apparently, in projection world, they have a daughter and she’s up in her room. OK, this is way too sad for me.

At the bar, Starbuck helps the pianist compose more of his song. She talks about her father teaching her to play and this one song that made her feel happy and sad at the same time. We see her as a child, with her faceless Dad next to her on the piano bench. Is it Tigh? Daniel? Damn this show!!

Starbuck confesses to the pianist that she found her dead body on Earth.

Tyrol begs the President not to sign the extradition order, but she does anyway saying that Sharon is a danger in or out of the brig.  Tyrol leaves and he’s pissed.  In a very comical scene, Tyrol stages another black-out and knocks an Eight over the head with a wrench.

The pianist tells Starbuck that he left his family when the wife pressured him to stop playing music and get a real job.  Starbuck accuses him of being just like her father; abandoning a family with no thought of how it affected the kid.

Chief goes the brig to restore power and the guards leave to check the locks while he does. When he leaves, the knocked out Eight is in Boomer’s place, and Boomer is prancing around the halls of Galactica.

The pianist tries to convince Starbuck to play the song her father taught her after she admits she never played the piano again after he left.  She begins to play.

Athena is in the washroom when Boomer comes in and attacks her.

Helo comes into the washroom just as Boomer is washing the blood from her hands. He thinks it’s Athena!

At the bar, Tigh tells Tory and Ellen that he saw his baby’s body and that his eyes were open. He wasn’t ready for that. And I wasn’t either! Sad.

Helo has sex with Boomer, thinking it’s Athena, as the real Athena watches from the locker Boomer put her in. That’s just wrong.

Starbuck tries to play the song, but something is missing. The pianist starts to draw notes when she remembers the drawing Hera gave her. The circles line up on the music sheet and the pianist adds them. They begin to play.

Boomer, as Athena, takes Hera out of day care and makes her drink some water.

Starbuck and the pianist continue to play and Tigh, Tory, and Ellen take notice.

Tyrol helps Boomer load a crate onto a Raptor. She put that baby in a box?!

Starbuck and the pianist really get into the song. It’s “All Along the Watchtower” song that awakened the Four.

“What the frak?!,” says Tigh.

I LOVE THIS SHOW!!

Every week it gives me goosebumps!

The pianist smiles at Starbuck and touches her like her Daddy used to. Not in an inappropriate way, but you know.

Tigh wants to know who taught her to play the song and she says her Dad. The pianist is gone.

Boomer begs Tyrol to go with her, but he refuses saying they’ll meet again. He has no idea she got that baby gripped up in a crate.

Helo is instructing in the CAG when Athena comes stumbling in bloody and in her underwear. She tells him that it was Boomer in the locker room and asks about Hera. He orders Six to get a medic and alert everyone that Boomer is out and she has Hera. Athena hugs him, screams, and starts pounding on his back. YOU KNOW, she’s just thinking, “I don’t care if we look exactly alike, you should have known it wasn’t me!”

Boomer is wondering why her flight path hasn’t been cleared, and the CIC gives her some bogus excuse.  She doesn’t buy it and fires up the raptor. Adama tells her that she will be fired upon if she launches and she says, “Not with Hera on board you won’t.” Foiled again! Adama orders the flight pods retracted.

Meanwhile, President Roslin is all sweaty (she’s been a shaking hot ass mess all episode) in Adama’s office and can feel that something is wrong.

Boomer spools up the FTL drive and Tigh notes that if she jumps from within the ship, the spacial disruption can tear Galactica’s guts out. Nice. Adama orders the flight pods retracted any damn way. PIMP.

Boomer makes a rush to leave as the pods retract. She makes it through, but not without damage to her ship. Hot Dog is watching from his Viper and says, “Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Don’t do it.”

Boomer does it. She jumps away and it fraks Galactica up! President Roslin can feel Hera’s loss, says her name, and then falls to the floor unconcious. A soldier takes her pulse and calls for help.

On the flight deck, Tyrol is giving orders as everyone rushes to deal with the damage. Athena and Helo are above deck yelling at a flight crew member asking how Hera could have been snuck off the ship. A nearby crew member fills Tyrol in on what happened with Hera. He’s devastated.

In the day care center, Tigh and Ellen discuss what happened. Ellen realizes that her escape must have been a part of the plan to get Boomer there so she could steal Hera. Tigh wants to know how a 3-year old girl could have spontaneously written down the song and Ellen says she must be plugged into something that is manipulating all of them.

She plugged into Starbuck’s Daddy, Daniel! Or the One True God! AGGH! Questions!

Ellen wonders if Anders could help and Tigh says, “If he ever wakes up.”

Starbuck rests with Anders as her Dad’s music plays. His picture on the flier for the live performance shows him with long blond hair. And it doesn’t say Thrace Opera House, but Helice Opera House.

All I know is that her Dad looks like Jay from Jay and Silent Bob.

Tyrol projects himself into his home with Boomer and finds her and their daughter gone. He cries.

And it just might be the saddest shit I’ve ever seen.

Questions Answered and New Ones Posed

So, I was right in that “it will all happen again” also refers to the fact that there are once again 12 colonies of humans and 1 colony of Cylons. We know they have representation on the Quorum.

Cavil has been craftier and more deadly than I thought. He gave up Ellen to gain Hera. Now, Liam dying is not just sad, but critical.

Boomer has been a bad, bad, girl.

Tyrol is in big, big, trouble.

Will they try what the Eight suggested, and put Anders in the goo and hook him up the Cylon mainframe like a hybrid.

And I’m not gonna lie and say that I saw the double cross coming, but I did pause and wonder why the Centurion didn’t lose his shit when Boomer and Ellen got aboard that Raptor.

What did you guys think?

Remember, you can get more BSG blogging over at The TV Tryant every Tuesday.

Two Queens, One Castle

There was a time when my mother and I did not get along. At all. Like, I would go in my room after a particularly bad blow-up and do the whole Eddie Murphy bit, “I… hate… her… I … hope… she… gets… hit… by… a… bus… and… dies!”

It was really bad as a teen. I would get fucked up. Not spanked. Not beaten. But fucked up. I grew up in a time when what was done then would be considered child abuse now. It’s just how it was. I remember one incident with a ketchup bottle. I was on the stairs leading up to the second floor of our apartment, and she was in the kitchen. I said something smart. She threw a ketchup bottle at me and it hit me in the knee. And I’m not talking those new-fangled plastic squeeze bottles. This was like twenty years ago so I’m talking a big ass, glass, Heinz-57, hard-ass, bottle of ketchup. To this day, I can only use ketchup packets.

Things didn’t get better for us until I moved out at 17 to live with my Dad. The older I got, the better our relationship became. I’m sure the reason why is obvious to everyone at this point. We are exactly alike; short-tempered, bossy, and demanding. Some time, distance, and maturity was needed in order for us to accept this as fact, and then later accept each other for what we were.

When I had Kali, things really changed for us. Being a mom gave me a new appreciation for what she had to go through with five of us. But still, I always thought what really began to heal our relationship was the distance and having our own space.

Well…

My Mom was recently, and suddenly, laid off in January. Donny and I extended the offer for her and my sister to come live with us, and she accepted. I wouldn’t have made the offer if I didn’t think it was the best thing for her. She needs a fresh start and I love where we live. Also, I hated Durham’s (NC) public schools and it was a leading factor in why Donny and I moved to Georgia before Kali was school-aged.

My Mom accepted our offer in early January, but said she couldn’t make the move until the end of February. I’ve been counting down the days and it’s finally here! My Mom will be moving in tomorrow!

It’s going to be nice having someone here to help with Jack, and my little sister (Kali’s aunt) is like a best friend to Kali since there’s only a two year age difference between them. And I’m not gonna lie, the help with Jack is HUGE. The way my house has been functioning lately pretty much goes like this:

Donny leaves for work at 5am. I get Kali off to school at 7:20.  Anything I get done during the day (schoolwork, housework, tweeting, blogging, and writing) is done at Jack’s mercy. When Donny gets home between 3:30-4pm, he takes Jack so I can knock out any studying and homework.  He usually makes dinner during this time and helps Kali with her homework. If it’s Tuesday or Thursday, I leave for school at 4:40 and Donny has the kids until I get home around 9:40. Either way, around 10 or 11pm Donny gives Jack back to me so he can go to bed. I’m at Jack’s mercy till he goes to sleep. Some nights this can be as late as midnight. I can’t go to bed then because usually I still have more schoolwork to do OR I take that time to write the next day’s blogs for my site. On Saturdays, I’m doing schoolwork all day while Donny has the kids, runs errands, and handles the housework. Sundays I take Kali out for a few hours, but when I get home it’s a repeat of Saturday.

We need help. So much so that I’m willing to make a conscious effort to make sure it works. No arguing, bickering and the like. And I’ve already had some practice! Due to a rental car/moving company mix-up, my mother had to come on Wednesday to drop off the majority of her stuff, and then head back to NC the next day. When she came in my room at 4:30am the next morning to say goodbye to Jack and I, she left the room saying, “I’ll be back on Saturday and we can get this house clean!”

Now, what I wanted to say was, “Excuse you? My husband spent his whole weekend cleaning and getting your room ready while I did massive amounts of homework and test-taking. THEN, he get home from work yesterday and spent three hours cleaning because of your last minute visit. Now, yes, my room is a hot ass mess right now, but it’s MY room. If I want to let clean clothes pile up in laundry baskets, and school books and baby toys take over the floor, that’s my business.”

Then I thought about it.

If she wants to clean, fuck it. Let her clean.

Things I’m Most Looking Forward To When My Mom Moves In

1. A live-in babysitter who’d sooner die than see harm come to my kids, which means I might actually get to go to the movies again before Kali goes to college. Watchmen, here I come!
2. Someone to make meatloaf, one of Donny’s faves, for my husband since I refuse to.
3. Spending my whole spring break watching Battlestar Galactica from the beginning because she’s never seen it.
4. Someone who will actually make my black ass do the things I should, but don’t, like work-out and go to church.
5. Watching her with the Grandkids on a daily basis.
6. Having my sis and Kali live together.

Wish us luck!

Survivor: Tocantins – Week 3 “Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This”

Week 3: “Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This”

Previously on Survivor: Jalapao bonds, Timbira splinters. Brendan and Taj decide to work together to figure out clues to the immunity idol. Sierra was on the chopping block until Candace opened her big mouth. Candace was sent packing. 14 are left, who will be voted out tonight?

Timbira, Night 6:

Erinn was thrown for a loop when Candace was voted out and tries to distance herself from Candace… no one is buying it. She may be next.

And we have credits…

Timbira, Day 7:

Everyone is cold and miserable. Erinn realizes she has to shine in the next challenge or else she might go home. Jerry ain’t feeling the beans. He won’t eat them for breakfast and he didn’t eat them for dinner the night before. He says he has an upset stomach. He says he’s pretending to be okay with the situation even though he’s miserable.

Jalapao:

They struggle to catch fish with their new equipment, but eventually figure it out. JT shines catching major fish for the tribe.

Luxury Challenge: Six members of each tribe are blindfolded and tied together, the remaining tribe member directs them to water and buckets so they can fill a bin to raise a flag. And then they need to get corn and raise another flag? They’re playing for patio furniture and a tarp.

Jon directs Jalapao and Debbie directs Timbira.

Timbira is a hot ass mess. Jalapao has dumped three buckets before they dump one. Jalapao kicks butt and raises both flags.

Coach is pissed. Boohoo.

Jalapao chooses Brendan to go back to Exile Island and he chooses Taj. Big mouth Jeff asks if that concerns the tribes. Well, if it didn’t, it might now!

Back at Timbira, Coach is all whiny and upset ’cause they lost so badly. Debbie feels like she let everyone down. She did. But they all equally suck. Coach says they shouldn’t go off and shit talk each other… and then he does exactly that. Tyson trips over himself to kiss Coach’s ass. Coach calls Tyson his assistant coach and Tyson is all atwitter. He thinks Coach has a schoolboy crush on him. Um, I think it’s the other way around.

At Jalapao: They celebrate their win and bask in their own awesomeness.

“We are so awesome!”

“I know, right?!”

Timbira Day 7:

They are getting all wet and miserable.

Exile Island, Day 7:

Taj picks the urn with the next clue this time. It’s surrounded by wood at their camps.

Taj and Brendan discuss each bringing in another person in case they’re not sent back for the clues next time. Taj picks Stephen and Brendan picks Sierra. They discuss a four-person alliance should they make the merge.

Jalapao, Day 8:

The tribe sleeps well with their new blankets and tarp covering their shelter. They’re hoping Timbira is miserable going into the immunity challenge.

Immunity Challenge:

Two members of each tribe race to roll a crate to their mat. Once all six crates are there they have to spell out their tribe’s name. Blah…

It’s pretty much neck-in-neck for much of the race for the crates, until Timbira gets a big lead.  Once they start working on the staircase that spells their name, Erinn takes charge and they’re pulling ahead. Then they start fussing and fall behind. Jalapao wins!!!

Jerry says he’s through. He’s finished. He knows he may be voted out.

Timbira, Day 9:

Jerry is drained. He doesn’t even bother hiding it. Has he seen this show? He says that they’re gonna have to vote him out, he’s not giving up.

Coach is annoyed that everyone seems to be ready to get rid of Jerry and ignoring Erinn. He says that she got an evil look on her face when she realized she was safe. He starts pushing for her to go.

Privately, Tyson tells Jerry to try and look strong. And tells him no one has mentioned his name to go home.

Brendan starts snooping around the tree mail area and finds the hidden idol. He hides it elsewhere.

Erinn: You don’t want to be like, “Hey, everybody, Jerry’s sick!” But you kinda wanna be like, “Hey, everybody, Jerry’s sick!!”

Tyson says he wants Erinn blindsided ’cause he likes seeing people cry when you crush their dreams. I can’t wait for him to go.

At Tribal Council:

When asked, “Who should be the leader?,” Jerry says, “Brendan.”
Coach takes offense and thinks he should be the leader. He says he led the competition with his eyes.

Erinn smirks.

Everyone votes.

Jerry – 4

Erinn – 1

Tyson doesn’t look happy.

Poor Jerry.

Lost Season 5 Epi. 7: The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham

Previously on Lost: Richard Alpert (with his fine ass) tells Locke he has to leave the island (and die) in order to convince the O6 to come back. Locke breaks his leg before turning the donkey wheel and Christian tells Locke he has to find Eloise Hawking in order to come back.

And now…

The guy who gave Jack his condolences, and was on the plane, last week is snooping around an office of some kind. He finds old issues of Life magazine and breaks into a filing cabinet. There he finds a map of the island and other papers. He pockets a mini-shotgun he finds under a desk. The federal agent, Elana, that was escorting Sayid comes in and asks what he put in his bag. He tosses her a flashlight and pretends that’s what he found.

She tells him there’s a man on the beach, that wasn’t on the plane, and wasn’t one of the people who disappeared. They walk past the crashed plane and come to find a bunch of people on the beach at night where a fire is lit. Caesar, the snoopy guy, asks the hooded man his name. It’s Locke!

It’s now morning and Locke is staring out at the ocean. Elana offers him a mango. Locke asks if the two boats on the beach are hers and she says no, and that there used to be three but the pilot and some woman took off in one in the middle of the night. I’m betting that’s Sun. Locke asks for a passenger list and she refers him to Caesar. Locke bites into the mango and says it’s the best mango he’s ever eaten.

Wanting to cut to the chase, Elana tells him that no one remembers him being on the plane. She wants to know why he’s dressed up so nicely. Um, really? That’s the best question you can come up with? Locke tells her that he believes it’s the suit he was going to be buried in. He remembers dying. She shakes her head with a look of, “white boy crazy,” on her face and walks away.

Flashback to after Locke spins the wheel. He wakes up in Tunisia, still hurt, and vomiting. There’s a surveillance camera trained on the spot he woke up on. He asks for help. It’s hard to move with a bone sticking out of your leg. At night, some men arrive in a truck and carry Locke off. They take him to a hospital where he’s restrained and force to bite down on a piece of wood while his leg is reset. He passes out, but before he does, he sees the black guy that was his orderly in the hospital when he lost use of his legs. We also know him as the guy who approached Hurley in the mental hospital wanting to know if the others were still alive on the island.

Charles Widmore is at Locke’s bedside and wakes him up. He says he had a specialist come in and treat Locke. Widmore says he met Locke when he was 17 and all these years later, Locke hasn’t changed. He asks Locke how long has it been since he met him at their camp and he spoke to Richard. It’s been four days for Locke.

The camera was Widmore’s and he placed it there because that’s the exit from the island. He was afraid Ben would fool Locke into leaving the island as he had with Widmore. Widmore was the leader of The Others and they protected the island peacefully for over three decades. Widmore says he was exiled by Ben, just like Locke.

Locke is all, “Slow yo roll. I wasn’t exiled nowhere. I chose to leave.”

Widmore wants to know why and assumes that Locke wants to bring back his friends. Locke lies and says that’s not true. Widmore knows it’s a lie and tells Locke that his friends have been off the island for three years and lying about the island. He swears to do everything in his power to help Locke get them back because there’s a war coming and if Locke isn’t back on the island when that happens, the wrong side is going to win.

It’s ON!

Widmore supplies Locke with a fake ID (Jeremy Bentham), and money. He has info on where all the O6 are and admits to watching them for three years.  Locke still doesn’t trust Widmore, but Widmore counters that he has never tried to kill Locke. Ben has. Locke is all, “True dat.”

He tells Locke that he’s special.  Widmore tells Locke that he doesn’t know why Richard Alpert (with his fine ass) told Locke he had to die, but Widmore isn’t going to let that happen.

Matthew Abaddon, the black guy from earlier, arrives and Widmore says he’s there to take Locke wherever he needs to go and to protect him.

He better not be messing with Locke. He’s one of my favorite characters and I’m sick of people taking advantage of him. First his father, then Ben, now Widmore…

Matthew tells Locke that if there’s anything he needs, just ask. He offers to look up someone for Locke, but Locke asks him not to talk. Wow. Didn’t take him long to get all bourgie, did it? He tells Matthew they’re going to Santo Domingo.

In Santo Domingo, Sayid is working for some sort of organization that builds houses. When Locke approaches him, Sayid refuses to go back. He says for two years he was manipulated by Ben into thinking he was protecting those on the island. Sayid says that leaving the island made it so that he could marry his true love and spend nine months with her and then she was murdered. Sayid wonders if Locke only wants to go back because he has nowhere else to go. He tells Locke if he changes his mind, he can come back to Santo Domingo and do some real good.

In New York City, Locke and Matthew are in the car watching a building when Locke asks him to look up Helen (his old girlfriend.) Matthew helps Locke out of the car as Walt gets out of school. Matthew remarks that Walt has gotten big. That’s an understatement.

Walt asks about Michael and Locke says that the last he heard his Dad was on a freighter near the island. Ok, that’s sad. Walt tells Locke he’s had dreams about Locke being on the island in a suit and surrounded by people that wanted to hurt him. Locke tells him those are just dreams. They say goodbye and Locke tells Matthew he didn’t invite Walt to go back because he has been through enough.

Matthew tells Locke he’s 0 for 2. Locke says he only needs to convince one and then reminds Matthew his only job is to shut the hell up and drive. PIMP.

In Santa Rosa, California – Locke approaches Hurley outside the mental hospital. “So, you didn’t make it, huh?” He thinks Locke is dead. Once he realizes that Locke is indeed alive, he flips out. He refuses to go back to the island. Then he notices that Matthew is watching from the parking lot. He tells Locke not to trust him and freaks out. He goes back inside.

Poor Locke.

Matthew warns Locke that he has to step up his game or they are all in trouble. When Locke asks what it is that Matthew does for Widmore, Matthew is all, “Oh, so now you wanna let a brother talk, huh?” He asks if Locke is really going to act like he doesn’t remember that he was the orderly that took care of Locke when he lost the use of his legs and that he was the one that told Locke to go on the walkabout that put him on the plane that crashed on the island. Matthew says he helps people get to where they need to get to.

Los Angeles – In Kate’s home, she tells Locke no. She’s not going back. Even if it means they are going to die. Kate says that she realized Locke wanted to stay on the island so badly because he never loved anyone.

Locke corrects her silly ass and says that he did love someone, Helen and it didn’t’ work out. He says he was angry and obsessed. “Look how far you’ve gotten.” Boy, she’s a raggedy ass this episode, ain’t she?

Outside, Locke wants to know why Matthew hasn’t yet found Helen. Matthew says it’s been difficult, but Locke says if you can find Sayid’s ass out in West Nowhere, you can find Helen. Matthew takes Locke to Helen’s grave. She died of a brain aneurysm. Damn!

Matthew tells Locke that his path is to go back to the island. As Matthew loads the wheelchair in the trunk, and Locke sits in the backseat, he is shot several times. Locke scoots his ass in the front seat with the quickness and takes off. He gets into a crash.

Locke wakes up in a hospital with Jack by his bedside. Jack wants to know what he’s doing there. Locke wants to know how Jack found him. He tells Locke he was in an accident and brought to his hospital. Locke tells Jack they have to go back and that it was fate that he was brought to Jack’s hospital. Jack accuses Locke of having delusions of being special. DAMN!

Locke says, “Your father says hello.” He tells Jack that the man who told him to move the island and to bring them back was named Christian and he told Locke to say hello to his son. He figures that by process of elimination, the son has to be Jack. Jack flips out and tells Locke to leave them all alone.

At his hotel room, Locke prepares his suicide note and gets ready to hang himself. He’s just about to when Ben shows up and stops him. He says he found Locke because he has people watching everyone from the island and he was called when Locke showed up. Ben says he’s trying to protect Locke and admits that he killed Matthew. Ben says that Widmore is the dangerous one and that he was just using Locke. He tells Locke that he’s important and that he can’t kill himself.

Ben tells Locke that Jack booked a ticket to Australia, so he must have gotten to him, and if he got to Jack then the others will follow. He convinces Locke to step down so that he can go back to the island and do the work he was meant to do.

I smell a rat! He’s going to kill him, and then I’m gonna beat Ben’s ass.

Ben suggests they start with Sun since Locke hasn’t been to see her yet. Locke says that he promised Jin he wouldn’t bring Sun back and Ben seems surprised that Jin is alive. (Why would he be surprised? Oh, he knows the freighter blew up.) Anyway, after Locke tells him about Eloise Hawking, Ben kills him. I told you!

Ben sets up the room to look as if Locke killed himself. He wipes his prints off the room (which leads me to think his prints would come up if ran), and says that he’s going to miss Locke. Wasn’t gonna miss him enough not to kill him! Bastard.

Back on the island, Caesar is looking through some Dharma papers in what we now know is an office in one of the stations on the island. Locke comes in and tells him that the DI were an organization doing experiments on the island. Locke admits that he spent 100 days on the island, but doesn’t remember how he got back.
Caesar tells Locke about a big guy with curly hair and other people disappearing on the plane. Locke asks for the passenger list, but Caesar says the pilot took it when he ran off. He tells Locke that everyone is accounted for except those that disappeared. And there are others that are hurt. Caesar takes Locke to a room where various people are on beds all banged up. On the last bed Locke sees someone familiar.

“You know him?”

“Yeah. He’s the man who killed me.”

God, I hope Locke beats dat ass.

Questions: The time travel stuff should stop now that they’ve returned right? We assumed that last week Jin was in the early Dharma days because the van looks new, but then wouldn’t that mean that the returning O5 are in that time period now? And then that would mean Caesar, Elana, and the others are as well because they saw the pilot, and who I’m assuming is Sun, before they snuck off with the boat. What sense would that be to have them all now trapped in whatever time period the island happened to be in when the flight to Guam went through the window? I think it’s more likely that at some point, Jin was in the pass and got the uniform, gun, van, and then those things went with him on the next time jump.

Also, if Widmore knows about Eloise Hawking, and wants to know where the island is so badly, why hasn’t he just hoped on one of the flights on her list?

Your questions, theories, and thoughts are welcomed below.

Nip/Tuck Season 5.5 Epi. 7: Allegra Caldarello

Previously on Nip/Tuck: Mrs. Caldarello has reconstructive surgery where skin from her labia is put on her mouth. She keeps this from her husband so he won’t know that he’s kissing her kitty-kat on her mouth. Sean hires and then has sex with Liz’s replacement, Teddy. Christian proposes to Liz.

And now…

Liz is excited to try on her mother’s wedding dress. It looks like my Grandmother’s curtains. While she does this, Christian and Liz’s Mom chat. She’s Hurley’s mom from Lost, and she’s now annoying on two shows. She puts down Liz’s looks and demands to know why Christian is marrying Liz. Christian doesn’t mention his cancer and dances around the question. Liz’s mom thinks Christian must be gay and Liz is his beard.

Liz needs help getting into the dress and refuses to have the antique dress altered. Christian wants to buy Liz her own dress, but she wants to wear her Mom’s curtains. Because it’s not fitting, Liz wants Christian to shrink her boobs.

And we have credits….

“Make me beautiful. Make meeeeeeeeeee….”

Mrs. Caldarello is back. Her husband wants her to get her eyes, neck, breasts, etc. done.  He has prostate cancer and he wants his wife all hooched up so she can snag another meal ticket.  She apparently has no skills or means of taking care of herself. When Mr. C. leaves to hit the head, Mrs. C. confronts Sean for the storyline in Hearts & Scalpels based on her surgery. She doesn’t seem to be that upset to have been referred to as, “Pussy Lips.”

Liz is preparing for her surgery at McNamara/Troy when Teddy comes in. They decide to have a little girl talk and Liz admits that she needs to spend some time home with Christian and Wilbur, but she doesn’t want to go stir crazy. They agree to split the job. Then, Teddy gets all up in her business asking how could she have just turned off her gay switch so easily.  Teddy kinda sorta comes out to Liz.

During surgery, Christian decides to make Liz a D instead of the C she wanted. He’s also celebrating that this will be his last surgery. He tells Sean he’ll start looking for his own replacement.  Sean doesn’t want to talk or think about replacing Christian. When Christian leaves, Teddy tells Sean to pretty much man up and accept what’s going to happen. She’s such a charmah!

Christian interviews a very qualified surgeon.  He explains how close he and Sean are and he wants someone who will fit in both personally and professionally. The whole time they’re talking the interviewee is stroking the chair he’s sitting in.

Christian arranges for the new guy to assist Sean in Mrs. C’s surgery to see if he fits in. Sean is hesitant, but is put at ease as the new guy admires the surgical table. What’s wrong with this guy? Christian looks on and he and Sean make goo-goo eyes at each other.

Sean and the new guy (how did I miss his name?) go to Christian’s favorite place; a strip club with some busted-ass strippers. They couldn’t have hired better extras? As the new guy and Sean get lap dances, Sean’s heart isn’t into it. Over drinks, Sean admits that he’s just not feeling the new guy.

New guy starts tearing the décor of the strip club apparent. He wants to go to someplace more tastefully decorated. What the hell is wrong with him?!

Liz has her bandages removed and is shocked to see that Christian didn’t listen to her wishes.  He said he made an executive decision. Liz’s mom notes that they’re not even married yet, and already Christian is controlling her. Christian chooses that moment to surprise Liz with a gorgeous, new, luxurious wedding gown. Her mom tries to guilt her into wearing her curtains instead.

The new guy (Christian’s replacement) starts to make himself at home in Christian’s office. He begins to clean and dust. He seems really interested in the sofa. He starts to fondle and caress it. He spreads open the cushions like…. Oh, gross!!! He’s going to screw the sofa! He’s pumping away when Sean and Christian walk in on him.

He has Objective Sexuality. He can form strong relationships with inanimate objects… but he believes that inanimate objects have feelings and can express love. He says there’s a history of gender identification with cars, boats, buildings.

Christian has heard enough and kicks him out… as he leaves though, he spots the operating table he was admiring earlier. And it moans at him!

Mrs. C. is recovering and her husband brings in a man with flowers. It’s their butcher. He’s trying to hook his wife up with someone and he’s not even dead yet!!

Come to think of it, so is Christian.

At Liz’s bridal shower her mother is being a real beyotch. Liz tells everyone that Christian is dying and that she is worried they won’t have much time together. Her mother says that it all makes sense now. Liz lashes at her mother for never accepting her and killing her self esteem. She tells her to leave her shower and she doesn’t want her at the wedding. All of Liz’s lesbian friends boo and hiss.

Christian finds the new guy picking up his things that he left in Christian’s office. He apologizes again and drops off Christian’s keys.

Mrs. C. is going home, but she’s pissed at her husband. He apologizes and says he just wants the best for her. And the best is what she shall get. In walks a younger guy, all handsome and bearing gifts. Mrs. C. is suddenly down for whatever.

As they leave, the new guy is screwing the surgical table.

At home, Christian is helping Wilbur practice for his ring bearer duties. He tells Liz she will need her mother when he’s gone, but Liz is firm in her decision. They have a nice family group hug moment.

At McNamara/Troy, Sean is watching old home movies of him, Christian, and Julia in college. He tells Teddy he feels like he’s losing everyone. Teddy tells him she knows she can’t replace Christian, but she promises he won’t lose her. It’s not a lot, but it’s all she has to offer. Sean tells her it is a lot.

Next week is the season finale. Already? Yeah. Remember, this season is actually the back half of last season which was cut short due to the writer’s strike.

BIOBaby: Torticollis

When Jack was born I was still blogging on Myspace. Happy and proud, I’d post pics of him every few days. After about three weeks of this, a reader sent me an email with an observation she’d made. She thought that in most, if not all, of Jack’s pictures he was prone to tilting his head to the right. She told me that she had missed the warning signs for a condition called Torticollis with her own son, and thought that I might want to get Jack checked out.

Without even looking at the pictures, I wrote her back and more politely than I actually felt like being, thanked her for her concern, but my son was fine. I’m his mother after all, and if there was anything wrong with him, I’d be the one to catch it. As far as I was concerned, he was perfect. When I did go back and look at the pics, I saw what she meant, but thought it was a coincidence.

Three weeks later, I was holding him up and playing with him when it hit me dead in the face. He most definitely favored cocking his head to the right. Alarmed, I pointed it out to Donny. He noticed it as well. Truth be told, after reading the email and sharing it with Donny, we were both “seeing” it, but not really believing it. I think we thought that it would “just go away.” I opened the email the reader had sent and read it more carefully. Then I read up on Torticollis.

Torticollis is a condition where an infant tilts his head to one side with his chin pointed in the opposite direction because of the tightening of one of the neck muscles. Congenital Torticollis occurs due to several factors including neck trauma during delivery. Jack hadn’t suffered any injuries. It is believed that he had Acquired Torticollis after being allowed to favor that side of his neck while spending time, and sleeping, in his bouncy chair.

Every time I see those pictures, I want to kick my own ass.

That made me feel like shit on a stick. The chair was my idea. I remember sending Donny out to Walmart to get it after Jack had been home about a week. I specifically wanted one that vibrated too because its job would be to comfort and keep him when I was either too tired or busy to do so. My laziness had resulted in this condition.

When he was officially diagnosed I was assured that he wasn’t in any pain. He wouldn’t even need weekly physical therapy like most children, but rather we were shown stretching techniques and new ways to hold him at home. We would come back once a month until he was better. Two visits were all it took. I had a feeling the condition would start to correct itself when he began to sit up on his own and move around.

I was right. Between that and the stretching, Jack is fine now.

I still feel guilty though. Like all parents, I love my children unconditionally. Forever and ever, no matter what. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care if they were different. I want them to be “normal.” Not for me, but for everyone else. Life is hard enough, and kids are bastards. You don’t want your children to have extra reasons for people to treat them unkindly or deny them. I know it sounds petty and superficial, but it is how I feel.

I remember when Kali was born my mother had me bind her belly button until the stump fell off. With Jack, we were informed by the doctor that it wasn’t necessary. After his stump fell off, he had an outtie. And it bothered me! No, no, no, no differences. I worried about him being teased at the pool when he took off his shirt off. I blamed it on not listening to the tried and true old wives’ tales. At his first check-up, we found out it was actually a hernia that would most likely correct itself as he began to sit up on his own.

Every time I changed his diaper, I would poke at it. It bothered me. It bothered me until it didn’t. Until one day, I don’t even remember when, I was changing his diaper or giving him a bath and noticed his belly button was perfectly “normal.”

I’d like to say that this will pass, but I doubt it. Hell, I was looking at Kali the other day thinking, “She’s sooo going to need to wax her eyebrows.” Donny and I were discussing this when Kali overheard us and swore she’d never submit herself to that kind of pain.

“Yeah, just wait until girls start making fun of her ’cause she looks like Groucho Marx,” I thought.

What I really need to work on, is making sure my children are confident in themselves and know that it doesn’t matter if they’re different, they’re still valued and loved. I need to make sure that they understand those that accept you no matter what are those worth having around. I want them to know that recognizing those that appreciate you for who you really are, flaws and all, is a great asset and they should listen to it.

I think I’ll start making notes on ways to do this. Maybe incorporate it into a Girls’ Day Out discussion with Kali one Sunday. I’m okay with not doing it all right, all the time. Being a parent is a learning experience and I’m definitely a work-in-progress.

24 Day 7: 5pm-6pm

Previously on 24: The First Hubby is shot during the rescue attempt. The President reaches out to her estranged daughter. Colonel Dubaku lets his American cohorts know that if he’s captured or killed, their names will be exposed. Jack convinces Marika to go to Dubaku so they can apprehend him. The leak in the FBI, Sean a.k.a. Squirrelly Guy, arranges for Jack and Agent Walker’s arrest to buy Dubaku some time. Dubaku is tipped off that Marika is working with Jack.

The following takes place between 5pm and 6pm:

Sean is at his desk looking both Squirrelly and proud of himself. His mistress confronts him about the warrant he put out on Jack and Agent Walker. He tells her to calm the hell down. Seems he’s not the only mole.  He tells her to sit her ass down somewhere and act normal.

Jack and Agent Walker are cuffed and put into the back of a police car.

Marika arrives at Dubaku and he confronts her. He smashes her cell phone and insists that the FBI is lying on him. He says he has brought peace to Sangala. He forgives her and wants her to still go with him. She agrees. I want to slap her, but I’m distracted by how fabulous her hair looks.
She deserves whatever happens to her dumb ass after this.

Note: Sophie thinks Marika looks like the turtle you are challenged to draw in those ads in the back of magazines.

The misunderstanding with the police is all cleared up and Jack and Agent Walker are allowed to go. They find out their cell phone trace on Marika went dead and Chloe uses traffic cameras to find out which way Dubaku is headed. Dubaku’s inside contact isn’t happy to hear that Marika is going with Dubaku. Dubaku is all, “I can handle my bitches, thank you very much.”

Jack and Agent Walker catch up to Dubaku and a car chase ensues. I hate car chases so I tune it out. Jack crashes and Dubaku is getting away. Jack tells Agent Walker to try and maintain a visual on Dubaku’s car until they can get a new ride.

Marika comes to her senses, kinda, and causes the car to crash by attacking the driver. Jack and Agent Walker take off on foot towards the accident. The driver gets out and goes for his gun. Jack and Agent Walker light.his.ass.up. Jack grabs Dubaku as Agent Walker tries to pull Marika free. Jack warns that the car is on fire and she needs to stop. She pulls a gun on Jack saying she gave her word nothing would happen to Marika and he can either help or back off. Not wanting a cap in his ass, Jack helps. They pull Marika free just before the car blows up. Dubaku, who is lying right next to the damn thing, doesn’t catch fire. Lame.

At the hospital, the President is informed that they have liberated 10,000 civilians in Sangala, but she ain’t tryna hear it. She’s worried about her husband and upset that she didn’t listen to him when he tried to tell her that their son didn’t kill himself. Bill informs her that Jack has apprehended Dubaku and that he is hurt. If he dies, the names of the conspirators may die with him. Bill wants her to return to the White House, but she wants to stay. She is finally convinced to return. She wonders how she can run the government when she doesn’t know who to trust.

At the scene Dubaku is stabilized and the paramedics want to take him to the hospital. Jack convinces them to give him a shot of adrenaline so he can question Dubaku. He does this by being all growly and scary. Jack threatens Dubaku’s family and Dubaku tells him there’s a list of names, but then he codes. The paramedics bring him back, but note there is some kind of metal disc in Dubaku’s chest.

Jack has Dubaku cut open and pulls it out. PIMP.

He calls Moss and informs him of the disc. Squirrelly Guy (Sean) is listening to the whole conversation.  Jack gets a cop in a helicopter to transport the bloody disc to Moss. He takes it with no questions and seemingly no concern for the blood on his hands. Ewww.

Squirrelly Sean corners his mistress in the bathroom and tells her about the disc. She starts freaking out and yelling at him for getting her into this mess and not leaving his wife. Bitch, focus! He tells her that as soon as Chloe downloads the info, they will crash the entire system. That’s crazy talk, she says. But agrees after he rubs on her face and smooth talks her. Ugh. He’s not even cute.

At the hospital, Agent Walker is all messed up over what happened to Marika and takes it out on Jack.

When Chloe sees the disc she realizes that it has an auto-erase function; they only get one download.

Sean and his mistress prepare to wipe the system. He speaks with Dubaku’s contact and warns that he needs to take care of Dubaku because he’s taking care of the disc.  Once the erase begins, Sean kills his mistress and then shoots himself in the arm. When Moss and Chloe arrive, Sean blames everything on the mistress. Chloe informs Moss that all of Dubaku’s files were destroyed.

Moss believes Sean’s squirrelly ass and fills him in on what’s going on. Chloe calls Moss and tells him that she was able to recover Dubaku’s files after all and they’re decrypted. He instructs her to cross reference it with government officials. When he hangs up, he tells Sean the files were accessed and Sean shits his pants. He pretends to be happy. Moss tells him he’ll need to go see a psychiatrist because he shot a fellow agent and that has to be traumatic. Not nearly as traumatic as getting arrested.

Sean heads for the exit, but Moss is on his ass. He demands answers, but Sean asks for an attorney.

Rosa arrives at the hospital and goes off on Agent Walker for letting Marika die. Jack tells Agent Walker that arrests are being made based on Dubaku’s list. It’s over. Agent Walker says it’s not over for Rosa. Jack insists that Marika had a choice and she chose to help. Agent Walker starts slapping Jack asking if he feels anything. He lets her get in two good slaps before gripping her ass up. She cries in his arms. He tells her she’ll learn to live with it and she says she doesn’t want to.

He turns to leave and but tells her, “That little stunt you pulled by the car… if you ever pull your weapon on me again, you better intend to use it.”

“I did.”

Jack nods. Respect.

OK. This is getting tied up a little too neatly and too quickly. The day ain’t even half over. Where’s the other shoe, and when will it drop?

At the White House, the President informs her daughter that she cannot go to the hospital to be with First Hubby. Daughter throws a temper tantrum. Bill tells the President that Dubaku’s list was recovered. Bill wants the President to speak to the Senator heading up the hearings against Jack. Her ungrateful ass says she has to think about it.

Jack is chilling outside the White House when Tony shows up. He whispers that there will be another attack on the U.S. by Dubaku’s boss. The chief-of-staff of the senator heading up Jack’s hearing is involved. Jack warns Tony that if he’s lying… Tony asks Jack to meet him on a street corner if he’s down for whatever. He never once asked why Tony was whispering.

The senator’s chief-of-staff turns out to be none other than Dubaku’s contact, Ryan! The senator gets a call that the President wants to meet with him regarding Bauer and he wants Ryan there. Ryan gets a message on his phone, “Units in place. Operation on schedule.”

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

GDO: Would You Rather?

Girls’ Day Out has forced me to do something most mothers would hate to admit they need to be forced to do: be present. As I backed out of the garage yesterday, on what was our fourth GDO, I had a million things on my mind. This is not unusual, just not allowed on GDO.

There’s no room for worrying about whether or not a bill was paid, or if the piles of laundry will ever get done. You are not allowed to say, “Not now, honey.” Those words almost escaped my lips as we pulled out of the cul-de-sac and Kali asked, “Wanna play Would You Rather?” I remembered what the day was about. I remembered to be present. I sighed and said, “Yes.”

We played the whole short ride to IHOP, only pausing to order our hot chocolate and late breakfast. Kali is much better at it than I am. Her choices are always so deliciously weird and equally unattractive.

“Would you rather eat chicken guts or take a shower in public?”

“Eat chicken guts.”

“Your turn, Mommy.”

“Would you rather eat fried cat or drink dog piss?”

“Eat fried cat. I’m not drinking anybody’s pee.”

Then she’d get really creative and detailed.

“Would you rather join the Army and be close to death for a whole year, but just close to death, you won’t die, but it will feel like it or have really bad sunburn all over, even your eyes, for a year?”

What?!

Sometimes she made it very easy on me.

“Would you rather go to school naked every day for a week, or eat a whole buncha…”

“Eat a whole buncha whatever you got. I’m not going to school naked.”

“But you didn’t let me finish.”

“OK, finish.”

“… eat a whole buncha worms mixed with kitty litter.”

“The worms… and I’d wash it down with cow’s blood.”

“Man. You really don’t want to go to school naked.”

Sometimes, we both couldn’t believe I needed an alternative.

“Mommy, would you rather jump off the roof of a very high building with no parachute or…”
“Wait. Would I die?”

“Probably.”

“OK, what’s the other choice?”

“Wait. Why do you need another choice?!”

“Cause that’s the game!”

Sometimes, my answers went right over her head.

“Would you rather have to lie on your back, naked, in a stranger’s house…”

“Hey, I used to call that Friday nights!”

“What?”

“Nevermind.”

Other times I realized she truly is her mother’s child.

“Kali, would you rather not watch TV for a month or wear nothing but your underwear to school for a month?”

…

…

…

“Kali!”

“I’m thinking!”

Sometimes, her answers made me laugh.

“Would you rather be smacked in the head or kicked in the butt.”

“Smacked in the head. My butt is sensitive.”

Sometimes we had fun at other people’s expense.

“Hey, Mommy, look at that guy on the corner. Remember he was out there last week?”

“Yeah.”

“Why is he dressed in that costume?”

“‘Cause he’s trying to get people to use a business nearby… some kind of store or something. Hey, would you rather be dressed up in a ridiculous suit, standing on the corner in the cold, waving a giant red hand or would you rather have to shovel horse poo for ten hours?”

“I’m waving the hand. Do I look like I would shovel horse poo?”

Sometimes, we had fun at each other’s expense. As I wiped up some hot chocolate that had dripped on the table…

“Hey, I thought you said we don’t clean up our messes on Mommy Monday… I mean, Girls’ Day Out.”

“What do you know about Mommy Monday?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know why I said that. I think I saw it on your computer.”

“Yeah, it’s where I write about being a Mom.”

“Will you write about Girls’ Day Out?”

“Yup. I have already. And I wrote about your trip to the dentist and the fact that you’re easily distracted.”

“Hey! I am not easily distracted.”

“Yes you are. Hey, look at that shiny thing!” I said pointing over her shoulder.

Her head whipped around. “Where?!”

“See.”

I laughed a lot yesterday. Deep, belly laughs with my daughter. I was present. And even if I hadn’t written about it, I’d remember that day.

 

The Amazing Race 14: “Your Target is Your Partner’s Face.”

Previously on Amazing Race: 11 couples started the race. The Virginia couple, Steve and Linda, argue because she’s too slow. The mother and son team, Margie and Luke, come in first and Preston and Jennifer are eliminated.

And now…

The teams start out from a small village in Switzerland (which is absolutely beautiful, by the way.) Margie and Luke leave at 2:56am. They have to fly to Munich, Germany.

Margie talks about how people have mistakenly called Luke retarded or stupid. Tammy and Victor leave second and use the cab driver’s cell phone to get flight information. Smart. In fact, most teams think to do this.

Steve says he is sorry for the way he treated Linda on the last leg. She’s all, “You know I don’t hold that against you.” So, she’s used to it.

Linda hopes that Germany involves a beer challenge. The cab driver shoots her a look that, to me, questions her priorities.

It seems like the first flight of the day is at 7:10am. All teams are on it except for Mike and Mark (stuntmen) and Jodi and Christie (flight attendants – they should have known better), they have to take the 8:45am flight.

Victor and Tammy reach the town first and take the first cable car up the mountain. The next team has to wait 15 minutes for the next one.

At the top is a road block. One team member must run down the mountain and jump, paragliding to the bottom, while the other rides the cable car back down. They get their next clue after that. If the wind conditions are unsafe, they can choose to wait till it improves, or take a 60 minute hike down the mountain to the clue.

The black girls are lost.

The wind is too strong and Tammy chooses to walk down the mountain before the other teams arrive.

Mel and Mike (gay father/son team) choose to wait because on the previous leg, Mel pulled his groin.  One by one, the other teams choose to run down the mountain leaving poor Mel to wait on the wind to change.

The black girls finally arrive.

Every team decides to run down the mountain and the whole time poor Mel is kicking himself. Well, he would if his groin was okay. But he’s being pretty down on himself.

Just as Mel says he won’t pray to God for the wind to change, ’cause God got better things to do, the wind changes! It’s a miracle!

Tammy and Victor are in first place as she reaches the bottom of the mountain, and they take off for the next town and the next clue. When they get there, it’s a Detour. They choose Austrian Follies; they have to toss pies into each others face until they find one with a cherry filling.

Tammy actually says….

They find a pie pretty quickly and now have to make their way to a woodcutter who will cut a piece of wood for them and stamp it with their next clue.  The clue directs them to drive to a town where they’ll find the pit stop.

Poor Linda is lost. She somehow got off the track and is just wandering near the freeway. Steve looks upset and she says, “Oh God. He’s gonna hate me now!” How does The Amazing Race pick such dysfunctional couples with these weak, whiny, women?

Linda cries on the side of the road and I resist the urge to toss my laptop at the flat screen.

Linda flags down a car and hitches a ride to the cable car station! Oh my God. I am so sure that’s against the rules. This oughta be great!

Tammy and Victor are the first team to check in and they each win a hybrid go-cart. They pretend to be happy about that.

In their victory interview, Tammy admits that she may not be happy with Victor always making the decisions and getting the last word, but she accepts it ’cause that’s the way it is. Where do they find these women?!

Amanda and Kris get to the next clue second (yes, that’s how far team one was ahead of everyone else) and choose Austrian Follies, or as Amanda called it, “Australian Follies.”

Linda gets dropped off and starts running like she didn’t just hitch a ride! They take their clue and head off.

Against Luke’s wishes, he and Marge do the pies as well. He doesn’t know it, but I bet he’d be grateful not to hear the God-awful polka music.  After awhile he wants to switch, but Margie refuses.

The black girls are lost again.

In the car, Steve tells Linda not to stress about going the wrong way down the mountain. He tells her to just sit back and sit pretty while he drives. Um, yeah. In a moment of evilness and comedy, the there’s a split screen of Linda and a pie with a smiley face.

Mel and Mike arrive at the pit stop, but can’t figure out how to open the gate leading to the pit stop. After a few funny attempts, someone comes along and helps them. They are team number two. Luke and Margie are third.

The stuntmen and black girls finish the challenge of riding Sequeways through an obstacle course and get their pieces of wood.

When Steve and Linda arrive at the pie challenge and realize it’s hitting your partner in the face with pies, she says, “You can hit me!” Now, she’s begging for it. Thankfully, he corrects her that it’s back and forth.

The flight attendants, who finished the pie challenge as Steve and Linda arrived, can’t find the wood cutter. Steve and Linda finish with the pies and they’re still looking!  I have a feeling it’s not gonna matter what happens cause Steve and Linda will probably get a penalty because she took a ride.

The black girls are lost again.

There’s a tense moment when Linda tries to instruct Steve from the backseat and he grabs her hand as she points. She needs an intervention.

The stuntmen and black girls check in.

It’s down to a foot race between Christie and Jodi and Steve and Linda. The flight attendants win. Steve and Linda are last and eliminated from the race.  They both sob like babies and are covered in pie and it’s just really hard to watch.

The L Word: Season 6, Epi.6 – Lactose Intolerant

The L Word: Lively

Apparently theme parties are all the rage and that is why Jenny throws Max a Willa Wonka baby shower. More disturbing than seeing a little girl turn into a blueberry is Jenny’s monstrous behavior towards Max, Helena, and  Jamie.  It’s bad enough that Tom left Max high and dry, and pregnant , but he has got to deal with all the ladies saying what an asshole Tom is. Max doesn’t agree and excuses Tom by saying that he was just scared. It’s not everyday that a gay man impregnates his pre-op trans boyfriend. It’s either flight or fight and Tom decided to fly and change both his numbers.  Maybe the ladies are right.

If that’s not bad enough, Jenny keeps referring to Max as a woman the whole time and Tina is a little annoying with questions about birth plans and the benefits of breastfeeding. If he could, Max would probably lop off his breasts with a Wonka bar.

Instead, he gets on his knees and begs Bette and Tina to adopt his child. They are honored, but dismissive because they think Max is just panicking. Besides they have plans to adopt a different child.

Was Jamie trying to get Shane to be there for Alice because once she steals Tasha, Alice will definitely need a shoulder to cry on? We never really got to the end of that conversation because Jenny totally cockblocked.  How malicious was Jenny when it came to telling Dylan about last week’s test at Hit?  When Dylan finds out, she leaves Helena who spends the rest of the episode drunk as a skunk.  We have another threat against Jenny’s life when Helena says to Shane, “I’m gonna fucking  kill your girlfriend!” It carries a little bit of weight, especially since Helena is an ex-con.

Bette and Tina encounter a complication with their pending adoption. The potential birth mother is from Nevada, which is one of the few states that does not allow gay couples to adopt. Joyce found a loophole, two actually. The first Bette was totally against: Adopting the child as a single parent and have the second parent adopt once they are back in California. The second was to have Marci, the birth mother, move to California, have her baby while living with Bette and Tina and then they would both be able to adopt him.  They decide to go with the latter since it doesn’t involve starting their baby’s life off with a lie. Meanwhile Bette and Kelly have their gallery opening as Wentworth Porter makes its debut. Unfortunately Tina can’t make it because she is in New York on business.

After the love triangle goes out for a run, Tasha catches a glimpse of a naked Jamie and immediately jumps Alice’s sweaty bones. In the time it takes Jamie to take a shower, Alice and Tasha do it on the couch. They are not as  quick or as quiet as they think and Jamie stands in the hallway listening. There is a look on her face that seems like she’s amused, confused, intrigued, and a even a little interested, but at the time, I still don’t know which girl she’s interested in. That all changes later at Jamie’s house when she makes a point to ask Tasha what she thinks of her dress and much later when she and Tasha bond when talking about their very similar childhoods.  Looks like Jamie might be helping Tasha with more than just her endurance test for the police academy.

Jenny buys Shane a photography studio. While giving Shane the tour, one thing that stood out to me is that Jenny  said, “… so you don’t have to ask anyone for a favor ever again.”  I get the feeling that she is setting Shane up and making sure she’s taken care of for the future. Is her suicide premeditated? And why not buy Shane a hair salon instead? That’s what she’s really good at, but I guess that would involve Shane doing women’s hair and we know what Shane would really be doing.

Sunset finds out that Kit and Helena are just business partners and not partner partners. “My body doesn’t respond to its own kind,” Kit tells him as she rubs his biceps. Sure he was clad in Madonna’s Like a Virgin wedding dress at the time, but it was most action Kit’s gotten in a long time. Later, Sunset, out of drag and unrecognizable to Kit,  told her that she was “one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen and I would love nothing more than to take her home with me tonight and wake up in the morning with her arms and legs wrapped around me.” As soon as he got the monologue out, from the fantasy Kit shared with him as Sunset, he got a face full of wine.

Kelly “Sabotage” Wentworth cries wolf about an oyster crisis at work to get Bette off the phone with Tina. She claims to be worried that there won’t be enough oysters for all the guests. Luckily, Bette sees through her transparent scheme. Kelly tells Bette that Tina should be more supportive and not off in New York on business. Then she pretty much calls Tina Bette’s wife and Bette scoffs at the idea and schools Kelly on the kind of relationship she and Tina really have.

As Shane sucks down one of the aforementioned oysters at Bette’s opening, Jenny tells her why she doesn’t eat oysters. “It reminds me of a guy coming in my mouth.” Nice.

Shane almost loses it (and by it, I mean the oyster), but doesn’t and it turns out to be a sweet, funny moment between the two of them. The oysters rear their ugly heads again after Shane sneaks out with Nikki, starts to make out with her, only to stop short for what I thought was a moment of clarity, but turns out to be food poisoning. Nikki bolts once the going gets tough, leaving Shane high and dry, and puking, with no one else to call but a frantic Jenny. Jenny takes care of Shane and promises to “always be there for her,” before she spies on Bette and Kelly through the window.

Of course,  Jenny misses when a very inebriated Kelly shows up at Bette’s door, drunkenly hits on her, gets rebuffed, and accidently breaks a glass. But catches them just in time to see Bette bend down to clean up the glass. Unfortunately (for Bette) from Jenny’s point of view, it looks like Bette and Kelly are sharing an intimate moment. Then Jenny does what any true friend would do, she takes a picture, you know, for proof.

Do you think that Jenny is planning a future for Shane? Do you think Tasha is going to leave Alice for Jamie? Will Kit get with Sunset? Will Bette and Tina end up adopting Max’s child? Did Jenny Schecter kill Jenny Schecter?

The L Word airs Sunday nights on Showtime at 9pm. (Only two episodes left in the final season – eeeeek!)

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