Donny’s Not a Team Player

I hate playing tactical shooting games with Donny. He just really sucks. Why?

1. When we enter a room, he just enters the room. I peek around corners, lob grenades at bad guys if necessary, I watch my back and clear the room. Not Donny. He just waltzes in and usually ends up with a cap in ass for his efforts.

“Who taught you to clear a room?!”

2. He tosses out grenades all willy-nilly. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been blown up by a Donny grenade.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

3. He doesn’t follow directions. If we’re going down a hallway and I say, “You take the left side, I’ll take the right,” I’ll inevitably end up shooting him in the back of the head because he’ll come wandering in front of my crosshairs.

“Stay on your side!”

4. He reloads out in the open. If there’s a low wall around it won’t occur to him to crouch there and reload. Nope. Not my Donny. My Donny stands all out in the open, reloading, and taking shots.

“Push in the left joystick to crouch!”

“I know.”

“Oh, cause I couldn’t tell with all the non-crouching and dying you’re doing.”

5. He doesn’t communicate. I’ll be in the middle of a big battle and look on his side of the screen and notice it’s all quiet and shit. Birds are chirping, the sun is shining, no one is shooting him.

“Where the hell are you?”

“I’m at the bridge.”

“What bridge?”

“Oh, I must have gone ahead.”

“You left me? You suck!”

6. He’s an ammo hog. If we come across ammo or health packs, I’ll always ask before I pick any up, “How are you on ammo? How’s your health?” Not Donny. I’ll be running around saying, “Damnit! I need ammo.” Donny’s response?

“There was a bunch over here, but I got it.

Gee, thanks.

7. He’s a horrible driver. He’ll drive. I’ll jump in the gunner seat and then he has the nerve to yell at me.

“Shoot them!”

“It’s kinda hard to shoot when the Warthog’s upside down!”

After about an hour I lied and said I wasn’t feeling well just to not play with him anymore. I found that when it became more enticing to shoot him and lob grenades at his head than the enemy’s, it was probably a good time to stop playing.

For the record, I just read this to him and he laughed his ass off and agreed with everything I said. He can’t even deny it!