BIOBaby: Labor From Laughter

It’s nights like this that I really appreciate the family that I have, the life that we share, and the extra bonus of being able to share stories with you guys so I never forget them.

Donny and Kali decided awhile ago that they wanted Burger King. (I wrote this around 8:30pm and posted it around 9:30) I was personally looking forward to the homemade ziti Donny was going to prepare, but he cooks all the meals everyday so I figured if the man wanted a Whopper, let him have a Whopper. I also wanted to take a walk to help bring on the labor since I’m past the two weeks away mark.

We hit the park first. As we’re walking along the trail, about a good minute into our walk, I stop and say something that proves Kali’s famous saying, “My mother is sooo not a nature girl.”

“We ain’t gonna run into no mountain lions or anything, are we?”

“No, jackass.”

“Well, I’m just asking ’cause white folk always going hiking and running into animals and shit.”

“But I’m not white,” says Kali.

We continue on. And then after a few minutes I take a really good look at what Kali is wearing. During the school year, when I tell her to go pick out an outfit, she usually wears something she’s seen me put together for her many times before so we don’t have any problems. But at summertime I pay a little less attention. And when it’s summertime and Mommy is ready to pop out a baby… let’s just say the child has been getting away with fashion murder.

I stare at her outfit and start to laugh so hard I can barely walk and get the words out at the same time.

“Kali… you look like… a Puerto Rican.  You got a purple scrunchie in your hair, a lime green shirt, yellow pants, and hot pink flip-flops on.”

Tears are rolling down my face and Donny chimes in laughing, “And purple nail polish.” Quick as a whip Kali responds, “At least my scrunchie matches my nail polish.” Touche.

The walk is going well, but just as soon as I have the thought, “This isn’t so bad. I can walk all night,” my hands start to feel funny. I look at my palms and they’re all blotchy and I notice my fingers are beginning to swell. I show Donny and he says we had better turn around. The doctor warned that when I’m on my feet too much I’ll get the swollen hands and feet.

So, we get in the car and head to Burger King. The windows are down, we’re chatting and enjoying the scenery… you know, nice subdivisions, strip malls, and the occasional park. Kali is in the backseat glancing longingly at Jack’s carseat already strapped in behind me. She’s clutching her latest Build-a-Bear made last Friday after we saw Batman. We were passing the store when Donny suggested that Kali make a stuffed animal for Jack and of course she had to get something for herself. She settled on a panda she named Phil for Jack and a Siberian Husky named Scruff for her. She and Scruff were chilling in the backseat and Donny was driving with one hand alternately rubbing my leg and belly. Life is good.

We order our food from the drive-thru: a Whooper Jr. with cheese meal for me w/ onion rings, a triple Whooper w/cheese meal for Donny, a mac and cheese kids meal with milk for Kali, and two small chocoloate milk shakes (for me and Kali for later).. oh, and Donny gets a four piece chicken for some reason. We pull up to the next window and as the young black girl behind the counter starts to hand Donny our two sodas he asks, “Can I get a drink carrier?”

“For two drinks?” she asks in return.

At the same time that Donny responds, “Well, we have milkshakes and a milk too,” I completely lose it.

“What does it matter if it’s two drinks or four? Is there some kind of rule that I can’t a drink tray for two drinks?”

She closes the window to get the tray and I keep my head ducked so we can maintain eye contact and I know her ass could hear me through the window. My look told her, “Sistah, don’t make me get out this car and act my color. Your ass will be fired.” But what I said was…

“I’m pregnant and cranky and she best hand over the tray and shut the hell up.”

When she opens the window again to hand us the tray that holds ALL of our beverages she says, “Sorry ’bout that.” What-the-fuck-ever. When she leaves to get the rest of our food I tell Donny, “You better be watching to make sure that heifer don’t spit in my food.”

Donny checks the bag before pulling off and notices that my Whooper Jr. is missing. She comes back with it. We’re driving home when I’m still fuming about the audacity. Donny points out that all the fast food places in our area have a habit of fucking up. We think about it for a moment, naming the places we go to, and realize that it’s true. They’re all a bunch of fuck-ups.

Kali says, “Don’t make fun of the people that work in restaurants. I’m sure they try as hard as they can.”

Sweet Jesus. I’m raising a bleeding heart public defender. Watch.

We’re a few blocks from the house when I go to take a sip of my drink and the lid isn’t on properly so it dribbles down the front of one of two dresses that I wear.

“Son of a bitch! That’s it. I bet she did that on purpose. I’m about to go the fuck off. I’m going to kick her ass. Just wait till this baby gets here. I’m going back for her ass.”

And Kali and Donny laugh so hard it makes me laugh.

We notice that a carnival is still in town and all look at the empty ferris wheel spinning round and round.

“You wouldn’t catch my black ass on a ferris wheel.”

“Black!? How do you know it’s black?,” Kali asks from the backseat.

“‘Cause it’s my ass.”

“OH! I thought you said Jack’s. I was like, how do you know he’s going to be black? And I knew you weren’t talking about me ’cause I’m not black.”

“You’re not white. You’re not black. What are you?”

“Tan…. ish.”

And again, Donny and I are laughing so hard I have to clutch my big ole belly. Then after a moment of silence Kali says, “You know, most of the people I know are white.”

“Welcome to America,” Donny says.

We get home and discover that neither of our burgers have cheese and the chicken Donny ordered is sitting at the bottom of the bag. Not in any kind of container whatsoever. I call the number on the receipt. I inform the girl that I need to speak to a manager and the line is disconnected after I hold for a minute. I call back. I explain what happened and I’m put on hold again. Then…

“Burger King. This is Gretchen, can I help you?”

“I was holding to speak to a manager.”

“Yes?”

“Are you a manager?”

“Yes.”

“And you said your name was Gretchen…”

And then I went on to explain why I was so pissed. I told her that I normally would not have called back about the drink holder remark, but to get home and find that my food is all screwed up and it’s cold was the last straw. She takes down Donny’s name and says that if he comes in with the receipt they’ll redo the whole order.

So, Donny is there now and I’m typing this with Big Brother on pause ’cause I can’t watch it till he gets back. When Donny was leaving I told him, “And I want the whole order too. Just like she said. Drinks, milkshakes, everything.”

“Should I take the food back and give it to them”, he wants to know. I had already taken two bites outta my burger and Kali’s been upstairs watching some Hannah Montana movie with her food since the moment her feet hit the house.

“I don’t care. Kali’s is probably halfway gone and I’m not going to eat this burger.”

We’ll see what happens. I’m more amused than anything else. I finally got to take out my pent up misery on someone else. Lovely.

Now… where are these contractions?

BIOBaby: Hospitable Womb

Apparently that’s what I have because Jack is acting like he doesn’t want to budge.

I am trying to remain happy and positive, but it’s hard. This is probably tougher than the misery of the first trimester simply because we’re soooo close.

Also, I get these random contractions, but they never form any kind of pattern and never occur less than 30 minutes apart.

Kali was due on April 12th and that’s when she was born. I guess Jack is like, “Look, I’m paid up till August 9th and that’s how long I’m staying. In fact, you keep actin’ up and I just may extend my stay.”

The doctor was like, “Don’t worry. We won’t let you go more than a few days past your due date.”

Sheeeit. That’s what she thinks. My ass will be in the hospital on August 9th at 12:01am with a bomb strapped to my waist demanding an induction.

I went a good four days without incident. As much as it annoyed me, the doctor’s appointment on Tuesday seemed to have a calming effect on me. Then yesterday I lost it. It is so painful just to stand and go to the bathroom. After a rant Donny decided that what I needed was a hot bath. I said no. He went upstairs and ran it anyway.

I was typing a blog that was, surprisingly, putting me in a good mood when he came back down to inform me the bath was ready. But I wasn’t ready to stop typing so I got more annoyed. Not wanting to waste water I made a big stink about going upstairs. He offered to help, but I just swatted him away. I purposely stomped and slammed my way to the bathroom.

“And I better not have to call you more than once to help me out the tub!,” I yelled.

I stomped again for good measure completely testing the resolve of the wall mount of the new flat screen below.

Once in the tub, I hate to admit it, I did feel much better. The TV was on in the bedroom and I found myself laughing over the sounds of a Dateline “To Catch a Predator” marathon.

Chris Hansen: You expect us to believe you came over to the home of a 12 year old girl just to watch movies and “hang out?”

Chester Chester Child Molester: Yes.

CH: Then why did you bring condoms and lubrication?

CCCM: I always carry that with me. I swear, sir.

CH: Let me read an excerpt from your IM with this 12 year old girl. “I want to beep you in your beep while you lick my beep all night long.”

CCCM: I was just playing.

Then all of a sudden I hear the baseball game.

“DONNY”

“What?!” He calls from the bedroom.

“I was listening to that!”

“Well, I wanted to be able to hear you if you needed me.”

Grrrr.

He opened the bedroom door, put the TV back on MSNBC, and relaxed on the bed. After a few minutes he asks, “Do you want me to shave your legs?” Sheepishly I respond, “Yes, please.”

I’ve had many people say that they can’t believe he does such things like lotion my feet, paint my toenails, or shave my lower legs. Listen, it was nice the first few times, now it’s downright humiliating. He swears he doesn’t mind and understands that I simply cannot do these things for myself and I suspect his real motivation is  to avoid his own embarrassment should I go into labor with ashy Chewbacca legs and snaggled toenails.

And you know what’s funny? He has been so good with coming up to me between meals with some fruit, yogurt, or bottled water and saying, “Here, you need to eat something.” But he also knows the exact moment, usually mid-meltdown, to toss me a Snickers bar from the hidden stash he surely has around here somewhere. And like a trained seal I bark, clap, and gobble it up in two bites.

I really need to go into labor soon. Maybe we’ll take a walk after dinner. A long, labor inducing, walk. Until then? Back to Halo 3. The one thing keeping me sane.

BIOBaby: Labor?

I’ve been having contractions since 5:30 this morning. It’s now 12:30pm. The closest they’ve been? About 30 minutes apart.

They don’t really hurt. Just a lot of pressure. Kinda like really intense menstrual cramps. Donny’s been keeping track and marveling at how cool I am in between each one. I’m playing on the laptop, eating donuts, and just chilling. They don’t hurt. And I’m not even getting my hopes up that it’s the real thing.

He’s so cute. I get up to go to the bathroom.

“Where are you going?”

“To pee. Is that okay with you?”

He sucks his teeth and says reluctantly, “I guess.”

Like I’m going to go in the bathroom and have his son without him.

Speaking of which.. last night Mike, Bette, Donny, Lew, and I were playing Halo 3. Mike offered up his sure fire way to go into labor.

“Go to the prom.”

What followed was about five minutes of each of us chiming in how it does seem that teenage pregnant girls always manage to give birth in the bathroom at the prom.

“What’s up with that?”, Lew asked.

“It’s an anamoly,” Mike replied.

“I would just show up and chaperones would be all, ‘Can we help you, Ms.?’, and I’d be all, ‘No, just her to use the bathroom.’”

“And then you’d go to the bathroom and there’d be a line of teenage girls waiting to give birth,” Mike said.

“Yeah, there will be a sign over a bucket that says, ‘Drop your baby here.’”, offers Bette.

“It would also remind you to wash your hands,” I said.

There were more crude comments and we laughed so much I thought I’d go into labor right then and there.

Of course my sister called this morning and asked if I wanted to participate in a panel of “real people” talking about being black in America at her radio station. She works at a popular station here in Atlanta.

“I’d love to, but I might be having a baby.”

We’ll see. I’m getting hungry and a little sleepy. I doubt it’s the real thing, but I thought some of you might want to know.

I just asked Donny, “Do I want to eat, take a nap, or play Halo?” He just laughed, “How ’bout have the baby?”

He’s more optimistic than I am.

The Dark Knight: Movie Review

First off, there will be no spoilers in this review. You should go see this movie knowing as little as possible. It’s in two parts and you can just skip to The Review below.

The History

December 14th, 2007 – Donny and I went to see I Am Legend it’s opening night in IMAX. We chose IMAX because if given a choice, you should always choose IMAX and there was the promise of seeing ten minutes of the new Batman movie when you did. The ten minutes we saw in the theatre was the same “first five minutes” that’s been all over the internet in previous weeks.

I thought the Batman franchise had turned into a big pile of steaming dookie. Batman Begins put me to sleep – though, to be fair, I watched it late at night when I was, well, sleepy. I had no idea what to expect from the new installment. After seeing I Am Legend I looked up the movie on IMDB and was surprised to learn it was Heath Ledger playing The Joker. A month later he was dead.

May 7th, 2008 – On Donny’s birthday we go see a matinee of Iron Man while Kali’s in school. The first full trailer of The Dark Knight plays before it. It makes me sad. The trailer had so much promise and though there was yet to be buzz about Heath’s performance it seemed wrong that he wouldn’t be arround to reap the rewards… receive the accolades. It got me to thinking about a whole lot of wasted potential which only grew as we later watched Robert Downey Jr. completely become Tony Stark. How great that he got his act together so we could witness this treat, I thought. It could have easily been him found dead of an accidental overdose.

July 8th, 2008 – On my Dad’s birthday we took him out to dinner, but my stepmother insisted on paying. Desperate to do something for him we offered to take him to a movie since he rarely gets out to see one. A shame for such a big movie fan. We settled on an opening day IMAX viewing of The Dark Knight. The Saturday before the movie my Dad calls to say that he has seen nothing but positive reviews. There’s Oscar buzz, talks of a two and a half hour long movie that doesn’t feel it, and a nice little plot twist. The Wednesday before the movie Donny drops my Dad off at home after he helps pick up Jack’s armoire.

“Your Dad is really excited about going to see Batman.”

I realized then that I was too. I’d purposely avoided any reviews (and still have after seeing it) for fear of ruining anything for myself. I wanted to go in a blank slate, but that was kinda impossible. There was a lotta pressure for this film to be good and Heath Ledger to be great. Damn buzz!

The Review

Amazingly good. This movie set the bar high for any superhero film to follow including a third installment. After this, there can be no more excuses for Christopher Nolan has presented the world a template. We shall call it, “How Not to Fuck Up a Franchise,” or “How To Revive a Superhero Franchise Long Since Written Off,” or “How to Tell a Great Story and Still Be a Big Budget Summer Movie.” Any will do.

Christian Bale is back as Bruce Wayne and as such he’s as cocksure as ever. But as Batman, his moonlight gadget-wielding, crime fighting alter ego, he’s having doubts. Half the city has been calling for his head to answer for his brand of vigilante justice and the other half of Gotham City has taken to donning knock-off bat suits inspired to take on the bad guys themselves. Bruce wonders if Batman’s days as Gotham’s protector should come to an end, but who can he trust the city to when there are whispers of corruption in almost all aspects of law enforcement?

Enter Harvey Dent, played by Aaron Eckhart, Gotham’s fearless District Attorney. He has no reservations in taking on Gotham’s handful of mob leaders and the mysterious Joker who seems to have the mobsters all chasing their tails. He’s young, virtuous, and completely uncorrupted. He also just happens to be dating Bruce Wayne’s longtime friend and love interest Rachel Dawes, played for the first time by Maggie Gyllenhaal, a role originated by the cardboard cutout known as Katie Holmes.

That’s the shell of the story and usually that’s where most movies of this ilk will end. You take that shell, you blow stuff up, add a car chase, some witty banter, and voila! Superhero movie! But this isn’t most movies.

What The Dark Knight does well is make you care about these so-called secondary characters. Nolan does not waste one moment of the two and a half hours. You come away completely understanding the motivations of every single character. And I mean it, every single character. From Bruce to Harvey, to Lt. Gordon (Gary Oldman), to Alfred (Michael Caine) to the mayor (played by the never-aging Richard on Lost), to several of the police detectives, and yes, even The Joker.

The performances are so dead-on perfect. There’s a scene where an over zealous accountant at Wayne Enterprises proves to be a bit too good at his job. He makes a demand and the look on Morgan Freeman’s face, as Lucius Fox, conveyed more than most actors could with ten lines of dialogue. I will finally remember Aaron Eckhart as someone other than that handsome blonde guy that kinda looks like that other handsome blonde guy who was on Boston Legal for a few seasons. Harvey Dent proved to be a nice surprise. Maggie Gyllenhaal was completely believable as the tough assistant D.A. drawn to two heroes. And man, does that woman have an old-Hollywood beauty about her. She was born for the big screen.

But of course, what everyone will be talking about, and they should, is The Joker. Heath. Heath. Heath. There’s a saying amongst black southerners when someone makes a really good meal. They say that the cook “put his foot in it.” I really don’t understand it as the thought of anyone putting their foot in food before serving it seems very nasty and quite unsanitary, but I’ve been known to adopt the saying and take it a bit further.

Heath Ledger put his foot up the ass of this role. Seriously. He should not be nominated for an Oscar, or win it, because he’s dead and it’s sad. He should be nominated because he’s just. that. great. The devil’s in the details. The hunched walk… an almost shuffle. Not the walk of an ass kicker, but rather someone who has seen better days. The clothing. Remember Jack Nicholson and his henchmen tearing apart a Gotham museum set to Prince’s Party Man? Yeah well, you won’t catch this Joker shuckin’ and jivin’ and he has bigger fish to fry than a few museum valuables. He doesn’t wear bright suits and loud makeup. We find out that his clothes are custom made, but they too look like they’ve seen happier times. They are as worn and damaged as the man who wears them.

There are the little ticks. The tongue occasionally darting out like a reptile. The quick glances to the side. The eye roll. The hair pulling. This Joker has issues. As the movie goes on, his makeup becomes faded and corroded. As does the man. But he always has a plan. Even though when the end is all but nigh, you just know The Joker has something up his worn sleeve and here’s the kicker… you want him to! “How is he going to get out of this one?,” you ask yourself in anticipation.

The most beautiful thing about Heath’s performance is that you honestly forget that it’s him. When Jack Nicholson took on the role, it was so obviously Jack. It fit. I mean, come on, whenever I think of Jack Nicholson the first image that comes to mind is him in the front row of the Oscars or a top table at the Golden Globes looking like he sweats malted scotch, hiding those hooded eyes beneath sunglasses, and flashing that devilish grin. And his Joker was essentially that in makeup and a bright purple suit. But with Heath’s performance he delivers a Joker more diabolical, more damaged, deranged and oddly, more real. He is The Joker from the comics that will rush in to kick Batman when he’s down being pummeled by the Joker’s cronies. Yeah, he’s not above a sucker punch or two. And that’s the comedic side. I mean, his name is The Joker afterall. But there’s also the menacing side that will cut your mouth from corners to ears in a split second.

Save for one single moment, I forgot The Joker was Heath Ledger. And that moment happens to be my favorite moment of the film. Possibly one of my all time favorite moments of any film. A moment I will never, ever, forget. Briefly, we get a glimpse of The Joker without makeup. It is but a few brief seconds of Heath Ledger with The Joker scars pulling the corners of his mouth and I thought, “That’s Heath Ledger.” And all that comes with that. He’s dead, he won’t get to know how great he was in this movie, he won’t get to see his daughter grow up, he’s dead and it’s ridiculously wrong.

But more than that that flash of a moment also gave more life to the character of The Joker than most films deliver in a villian when given a full ninety minutes! This man looks like a kid. His eyes darted to the right briefly in that scene and in that moment, the bad guy was kinda vulnerable. Sneaky, but vulnerable. You find yourself thinking, “Who is this guy!?” He sure doesn’t look like he could be the same hunched, shuffling, gravel voiced, cackling, mad man that has Gotham terrified. And just like that you want sequels. He doesn’t even have to be in all of them, but just the promise of him is enough to keep the franchise going. You want to know more. As he later says, there’s a feeling that he and Batman are meant to do this forever. But sadly, that is not to be because who the hell wants to be the actor to fill those shoes?

If you want to see an image of the moment click here. But I wouldn’t if you haven’t seen the movie yet… unless you don’t plan on seeing it, but that would just make you lame.

My second favorite moment of the movie you’ve probably seen in trailers. The Joker is leaning out the window of a cop car with the wind blowing his hair. It is so beautifully shot. So sums up part of what makes The Joker so dangerous. He basks in the chaos he causes.

Because nothing is perfect, I can point out one teeny, tiny, flaw. And it’s small. The ferry boats scenes. That’s all I will say. They came off kinda cheesy and predictable to me, but necessary. Like I said, Nolan didn’t waste one frame in this film. The ferry boat scenes summed up wonderfully the beliefs of Batman and The Joker and how completely different they are. So, on the surface where they may seem to belong in a lesser movie, they were needed here.

Of course, there’s the other cool stuff: the gadgets, the one liners that don’t seem forced or corny, the blowing up of lots of stuff, the fight scenes, the car chases, the Batmobile, etc. But the two things that make this film are

1. A really great story wonderfully acted by everyone involved.
2. Heath Ledger as The Joker.

Go see it. Now. In IMAX if you can. It is all but a given that I will be buying this baby on Blu-Ray the day it comes out.

Life Changes – Part Two

Life was going good and we decided to try for a baby. Nothing like a near death experience to make you want to start all the things you’d put off. By this time Kali was in kindergarten and my part time job was elevated to a full time salaried position with health benefits, a corporate credit card, company laptop and the ability to do a whole lotta whatever the hell I wanted because my boss was my next door neighbor.

Then Donny got laid off and had to take whatever work he could get. I remember he worked for a short time in the garden department of the Super Walmart that had just opened by our house. Yes, the same Walmart I rave about. That grand opening was the social event of the season which should tell you something about my area. Anyway, I remember he’d come home smelling like man. He’d be dirty and sweaty. He got a tan and started getting a six pack and muscular arms. It was kinda hawt! Downside? He was paid in green stamps and corn nuts. He started delivering pizza on the side just to help out. I was the bread winner, the health insurance provider, the big Kahuna.

Just as he finally started working at a real job again, I got laid off. This would be the summer of 2005. Pop Goes the Girl wrote about the pain she felt going to work every day at a job that wasn’t what she wanted to do with her life. I could so relate. By the time I got laid off I was miserable. Sure, the job was cush and the money was great, but I felt I was wasting away. I wasn’t writing, I wasn’t being creative, I wasn’t learning anything new. When the layoffs were announced I really hoped to make the list. When my boss/friend gave me the heads up two weeks in advance I started discretely packing my shit. And by packing my shit I mean taking home office supplies.

When the big day came I waltzed into his office wearing a pair of jeans that made my ass look fantastic, a shirt that complemented my tits, showed off my small waistline, and rested on my hips which had an extra swing that day, my weave was new and tight, my nails freshly done and my eyebrows expertly waxed.

“Can I go first?”

“First of all, you look amazing. Second of all, try not to look so happy to be laid off.”

I signed all the papers, handed over my laptop, and sashayed out to the rental car I had parked outside. I had a suitcase packed in the trunk and hit the road that Friday morning for Destin, Florida. I went alone and I had a ball that weekend. I went out to dinner and lunch alone. Ordered breakfast in the hotel each day. Went to the beach. Went to the movies. Shopped. And hit a few clubs at night. I danced on the dance floor alone drawing small crowds and sometimes I danced with strange men and women. I flirted, I drank, and I went back to my hotel room alone each night and read till I fell asleep. I knew that I had some big decisions to make once I got home, but for that weekend I didn’t want to think about shit.

Once my severance ran out I went on unemployment and applied for school. I really didn’t even think about it. I just knew that I wanted to write and in my search for a job that would allow me to do that, I found that I couldn’t get shit without some kind of formal degree. Also, I love learning and was (and still am) excited about the idea of learning new things. By January 2006 I was a full time college student for the first time in 14 years. I had also just discovered blogging and had completed a three month cake decorating course. I had my hands in some of everything.

I thought I would be more terrified than I actually was. See, one positive to being overly confident is that sometimes you’re too stupid to be afraid. The way I looked at it was that I had already done more in my life, held more jobs, had more relationships, experienced more life, than everyone in the classroom with the exception of the instructors. Hell, those other students should be intimidated by ME. I wasn’t afraid to not know something and admit it. I got off on learning precalculus and got straight A’s in all my math courses. Even though Mr. Beatty told me it wasn’t necessary I wanted to memorize the unit circle. I thrived on the nervous butterflies before getting up and giving a speech in public speaking class. Hell, I’d danced in cages in NYC nightclubs for God’s sake. How hard could it be giving a few minutes long speech on why English should not be declared the official language of the United States or the customs of the Amish? If anything, I knew I’d have the best written speeches in the whole damn class even if my hands were slightly sweaty and shaky as I held my index cards. And I was a pro at night glancing at them constantly and maintaining eye contact with the room. Gooo ME!

Now, as I wait for this baby to arrive I realize that two weeks after he’s due the fall semester starts. I’m scheduled to take one online class. That works out perfectly. I’ll be home with Jack and still working towards my degree. The semester ends weeks before Christmas so I’ll be able to enjoy our first Christmas as a family of four with no worries.

The tentative plan for January (Spring semester) is that I will take a few classes in the evenings while I’m home during the day with Jack. After this class in the fall the final five or so courses I need to graduate aren’t offered online so I have to go back to attending actual face-to-face classes. But since Donny and I aren’t fans of putting our kids in day care I have to settle for going at night and that may also mean not taking a full load. All of this means that I’m pushing back my graduation by another semester at least, but you know what? I don’t even care. I’m getting it done, and that is what’s important. And I’m lucky/blessed enough that I can get it done and still raise my children the way I want to.

Donny and I were just talking about all the changes we’ll have to make now that Jack is coming, but it’s funny that the changes aren’t that new to us. They’re just reverting back to the parents we used to be. Kali is so self reliant now. I swear to God I think I saw her three or four times all day yesterday. She has that big TV in her room and the Wii and some Disney movies. She came downstairs to eat, rub my belly, and that was about it. We’ll have to get used to being more involved as parents, more needed, all over again.

We’ll have to start child-proofing the house again. Right now, child proofing means making sure she’s asleep before you have sex, putting parental blocks on the computer and DirecTV box in her room, and hiding the porn. Soon, we’ll be putting covers on the outlets and edge covers on the fireplace hearth so Jack doesn’t bust his little head open when learning to walk. We’ll have to remember to keep little activity baskets in the back seat of the car to keep him occupied during long road trips. We’ll have to get used to watching all the baby shows again. I told Donny I don’t even remember the proper way to heat a baby bottle. I haven’t bathed a newborn in nine years. And the pains of the first two weeks of breastfeeding is slowly starting to come back to me. Eek!

As a way to make some extra money while I’m home I’m going to look into having someone FINALLY put together the KaliCakes website. Donny enjoys helping me and I told him he should go take the first cake decorating course to learn how to make the majority of the flowers. There are a lot of flowers that I learned how to make, but haven’t made since learning so I’m very rusty. I figured it can’t hurt for us both to know and he can come home and refresh my memory. He is scared to. He says he feels funny being a guy in a cake decorating class.

I told him, “El Supremo is a blond hair, blue eyed, conservative, Texan that likes to shoot shit. You don’t get more hetero and manly than that and he cooks his ass off!”

I don’t think that worked.

Either way, for the first time in a long time we’re excited about the future. I’m trying to get Donny to go back to school once I’m done or even sooner if he wants to just do one class a semester in the evenings or on the weekends.

He literally just asked me, “I wonder how good the University of Phoenix is?”

“NOOOO! Donny, take your ass to a real school, please.”

“I don’t want to sit in a classroom.”

“You think I wanted to?”

“Yeah, you love that shit. You probably sat in the front of the class.”

He right. I did.

“OK, so I did. I love school. But that’s not the point. You can do it. I can help you. It’s not so bad.”

Again, not sure how convinced he is. We’ll see.

But the point is we have plans and we have each other. And we’ll have these two children around whom we base all of our decisions.  And that’s fine by us. Nothing has worked out exactly as we planned, but it’s amazing how it seems everything has worked out just as, and when, it should.

Life Changes – Part One

I hate saying Jack wasn’t planned. He was. We really wanted to have a baby some time in 2008. It’s just that we made the decision to get pregnant in early November, and by Thanksgiving I was knocked up. We didn’t expect it to happen that fast. We really thought it was going to be a little trial run.

Oh looky at all this unprotected sex we’re having. Aren’t we naughty? Just wait till I’m ovulating next month. That’s when the real trying begins!

Yeah, famous last words.

So, as you can imagine there’s been lots of talk about how our plans have to change to accomodate our son. One thing we both agree on is that we’d like him to be home with one of us until preschool. It’s what we were able to do with Kali and it works for our parenting style.

From the time Kali was about 5 months old to a little over a year she went to my Aunt’s house everyday while I worked. When Donny and I moved in together and he’d have a day off or worked evenings, she’d stay home with Donny. This after I felt comfortable with the fact that he knew what he was doing. Then I started working from home for an internet company and quit my job at IBM to do that and be home with Kali. This lasted until she was about 2. I went back to work part time for a day care center in Chapel Hill, NC. I worked three days a week from 8am-1pm and Kali got to go with me. I handled all their financial records and office work while she was in a class getting the social interaction she needed with other kids her age.

While working there, Donny and I got engaged and then married. Kali turned 3 in April of 2002 and I’m ashamed to say that we taught her to not tell people she was 3 until AFTER our Disney World honeymoon in May 2002. Shit, I wasn’t tryna pay for a park hopper pass for her little ass just cause she missed the cutoff by less than 30 days!  Anyway, shortly after the wedding in May I quit my job and was home again with Kali.

It turned out it was good that I was home because in April of 2003 Donny got really sick. He was misdiagnosed with a fatal cancer and went through two surgeries and lots of misery. I was taking care of both Donny and Kali and packing up our two bedroom townhouse and making arrangements for our move to Atlanta in July of 2003. Once a month we drove from NC to GA to check on the progress of our house as it was being built. The whole time thinking Donny might not live long enough to appreciate it.

When we moved here it was just a few days after his final biopsy and right after that the doctor (his third) told him he wasn’t going to die afterall. He was scheduled to start chemo and radiation right before this doctor (who actually knew what the fuck he was talking about) stepped in.

Kali was 4 by then and started preschool the month after we moved into the house. Preschool is free in the state of GA due to the lottery program. Donny was healthy enough to return to his job and thanks to our new neighbor I was hooked up with a part time job at MCI in Alpharetta.

Life was going good…

BIOBaby: Sweet Mother of God

I say that a lot. “Sweet mother of God if you don’t turn that TV down!”

“Sweet mother of God I have to pee… again!”

“Sweet mother of God Donny if you don’t close the damn door!”

“Sweet mother of God is everyone going to have their baby before me?”

My cousin Tonia.
My cousin Amaris
Jessica Alba – I mean, did that heifer announce her pregnancy at 7 months or something? Cause I swear I heard she was pregnant and then like a few weeks later her baby was here.
Nicole Kidman
Halle Berry
Jennifer Lopez
Matthew McCaughnehey’s baby mama
Lyne’s (El Supremo’s girlfriend) good friend
Angelina Jolie – wasn’t that heifer due in August?
Hell, even the pregnant man had his/her baby first.

I feel like I’ve been pregnant longer than anyone! Waaaah! Yes, I’m whining.

I thought it was the real deal last night. I was having contractions and feeling weird and then nothing. I was up till about 4am. I sleep on the couch now. It’s the only place that I can actually get some sleep. It’s been about four nights in a row of couch sleeping. The first night I fell asleep there I woke up the next day and chewed Donny out for not waking me to come upstairs. He pointed out that it was the first time in weeks I actually was able to fall asleep without crying so he didn’t want to wake me. Last night, when he said he was turning in he kissed me and said he’d be going into the guest room on the first floor. I told him he didn’t have to but he insisted because he didn’t want to be all the way upstairs in case something happened and I couldn’t make it up the stairs.

And as much as I like having Donny and Kali wait on me hand and foot, and I do like it, this whole not being able to do things for myself when I actually want to is getting old. Kali and Donny know to leave all the remotes on the ottoman because if they’re any lower I can’t reach them when I’m alone and I end up leaving the TV on whatever the hell is on in the middle of the night.

Requiring help getting off the couch is not cute. In fact, I don’t think there’s anything left for me to do gracefully. You should have seen me trying to get out of the tub the other day. It’s all showers from now on. Donny went out to get tacos and I decided to play some Guitar Hero Aerosmith. I was contorting my body in all these funky positions just to bend and get the guitar, plug it into the Xbox, and put the disc in. I got all lightheaded and shit. I could feel Jack and amniotic fluid just sloshing around. I know my baby was like, “Uh, lady you need to go sit your ass down somewhere. Now’s not the time to be rockin’ out with yo cock out.”  He right.

And let’s not even talk about the eating. I went to my cousin’s birthday part on Saturday and ate the entire time I was there. I had three pieces of a Subway hero, two pieces of corn on the cob, two plates of my stepmother’s arroz con pollo, a Bubba burger, and like four cans of Strawberry and Pineapple Fanta. If we didn’t leave when we did I’d have surely had a plate of ziti and some hot wings. There were two birthday cakes (it was also a belated party for my Dad) and it took everything in me not to have a slice of each.

Last night Donny made crab cakes. He makes fantastic crab cakes from scratch. I ate one whole, a few bites of the second, and about five asparagus spears and then I was done. It was delicious, but my throat just wouldn’t allow me to swallow anymore. I think my body went on strike. It was like, “Heifer, how big do you want to get?”

26 days to go. And it seems like a lifetime. He has to come early or I may go insane. I go in his nursery, sit in the rocker, close my eyes and wait anxiously for labor pains. Then Donny makes me get up before my water breaks on the micro fiber.

I pass the time playing all those games for free on HP Games. Wedding Dash 2, Slingo Quest, etc. Anything mindless enough to keep my mind off the fact that I feel as though I’ve been pregnant my entire life.

We watch lots of movies. Donny’s all BluRay Man now. We’ve become kinda TV snobs. Our 42″ inch flat screen is no longer good enough. It gets no love. The only thing hooked up to it is one of the TiVos. All the cool shit is on the new 52″ in the family room. It reminds me of when Mike and Bette came to visit last year shortly after we’d gotten our Xbox 360 for Xmas. Mike said he went home and didn’t even want to play with his Playstation 2. We gave Kali the big screen that was in the family room and let her hook the Wii up to it. She’s in heaven. When we were at my Aunt’s house Saturday we were trying to hook up our PS3 to her flat screen so we could all play SingStar.

“How big is this TV?,” I threw out there to my Dad, Uncle, and Donny.

“Small,” said my Uncle.

And it was like 32″.  It’s like once you go over a certain size, your whole TV perspective changes. Donny walked in here last night with three BluRay movies and I had to tell him, “Baby, just cause it’s BluRay don’t make it right. I’m not watching Hostel 2!”  But I did watch Rush Hour 3, which though it made me laugh, was a shitty movie. Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker must have bills to pay. But again, it was just mindless enough to keep me from concentrating on the fact that…

I’ve been pregnant FOREVER!

I want my baby. I want my baby. You guys have no idea how badly I want my baby.

Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to do some cartwheels in the backyard.