Blog It Out, Baby: Does It Feel Like…

… I’ve been pregnant forever?

I’m trying to decide if it has or not… at least for me, and I really don’t think it does.

When I look back at the beginning of the pregnancy (when I just wanted to die) it feels like everything was so long ago. And so, in that sense, I feel like it’s been a long time. But then those months, and the ones that followed, seemed to have gone by in a blur and then I feel like it’s gone really quickly. I can’t decide.

It doesn’t help that I talked to my Mom this morning and she was like, “Girl, you still have a long way to go.”

“No I don’t!”

Like, for some reason, her saying that really pissed me off. Don’t say that when I’m feeling like I’m just coming ’round the bend!

I remember being about 7 weeks and throwing up constantly. I remember the doctor and all the books saying that it would most likely lift around week 12. I remember thinking, “Week 12!!? That’s (counts on fingers) FIVE weeks away! I can’t do this shit for five more weeks. I’ll die. I’ll kill someone. I’ll kill someone and die!”

Then one day, I think around week 10 (thank God I blogged it all), it did seem to go away. It started with going from being sick all day to random moments throughout the day. Then it was fine all day till 4pm and then I’d be sick until bedtime. And then one day I woke up feeling great and stayed that way. My energy returned, I actually left my bedroom (only to find that it was March and my family room Christmas tree was still up… the JOY stocking holders on the fireplace would remain until April), and there were rumors of a glow.

So, where are we now? I have to catch myself when I say things like, “I’m soooo ready for this baby to be born!” I don’t want to go into early labor… at least not earlier than 38 weeks (I’m 31 now.), but to be honest…. I’m soooo ready for this baby to be born! For no other reason than… boredom!

April and May were busy. Between Kali’s birthday, the end of school, Donny getting laid off, the baby shower, etc… we had a lot going on.  June? Zzzzzz. We’re on a tight budget, our car is unreliable so we try not to go to too many places, Donny’s not going back to work until after Jack is born, we just sit around waiting for July.  So, June is the month where we just sit around going, “Now what?” I think that’s why I really agreed to take these birthing classes. Just to have something to do for the month of June.

July will be busy. We have to buy a car (actually, we’ll begin seriously looking/test driving next week ’cause we’re tryna drive off the lot July 1st in a new car), buy nursery furniture, finish the nursery, get our hospital bags packed, make sure we have all the necessary stuff… can you believe there’s not one diaper in this house? I know, I know, that’s kinda weird. In fact, a lot of our shower gifts had a theme, “Keep that baby warm and clean!,” as we got lots of bath stuff and blankets. (Seriously, wait till I post the pics, my baby has the best baby blankets EVER!)

Oh, and movie watching. I have to see The Dark Knight, The Happening, The Hulk, and The Strangers before this baby is born. Lord knows when I’ll hit up a theatre once he gets here… although, I was able to take Kali to the movies a lot when she was an infant. All I had to do was pop a titty in her mouth and she was out like a light for the duration of the whole film. (and I only went to matinees)

We were watching Jack move around last night and Donny goes, “Can we just take him out and play with him for a little while, then put him back?” It made me think of a story my father tells about being a kid and he and his brothers finding The Man From U.N.C.L.E. playset my Grandparents had hidden before Christmas. He and my uncles played with that damn thing everyday when their parents weren’t home, and then packaged it back up like new before they got home. We just want to hold him, kiss him, look at him, and then he can finish baking for 9 weeks.

I’m starting to get a little nervous about giving birth. I know, I’ve done it before. It should be a breeze… but it was NINE years ago! I don’t remember anything. Beverly talked about what to do when you lose your mucous plug when we were in class last week. I was like, “What’s that?” Then I remembered. Anytime after 37 weeks you may go to the bathroom, wipe, and pull away a long snot-like substance from your coochie. Beverly asked that we not save it and bring it to our next appointment (apparently this is quite a common thing for pregnant women to do when they don’t know better.)

The whole birth canal thing freaks me out. I mean, why do they call it that? Doesn’t “canal” make it sound like a really long journey? It’s not. But then I start to panic about how much time he’ll spend in there, and the cord around his neck, and the shape of his poor little head if I can’t push him out fast enough. I’ve decided to be a good pusher. A concentrated pusher. I’m going to push like nobody’s business. I’m going to be a super pusher.

As a part of our homework last week we had to watch a birthing movie. Donny loved it. I nearly passed out. I’ve done it, sure. But I didn’t SEE it. Donny thinks it’s great, it’s life, it’s beautiful. He’s excited. He wants to help the doctor and catch the baby. He wants to cut the cord. He wants to see and experience it all. I want to cross my legs and wish this baby out. I want him to come via UPS. I want to download him and print him out. In this day and age why can’t I do that!? Why must my insides shift and my bones separate? (Did I mention that my recent pelvic pain is due to a hormone being released that softens your pelvic bone in preparation for delivery. Uh huh.)

Donny watched the film with a smile. I watched with a grimace. I rocked when the women rocked. I groaned when they groaned. I gripped the sides of the bed and felt my stomach tighten. I offered up condolences to my vagina.

Then Beverly started talking about hemmoroids. And I was all, “Thank God I’ve never had one with either pregnancy.” Then she started telling stories about watching women develop them as they are pushing their babies out! *pop* *pop* *pop* Instant ass boils! Did you guys know this?  Did I know this was possible and forget?  What have I gotten myself into? And Donny and I were actually discussing the POSSIBILITY of having another baby in the next 2-3 years.

Just the thought of getting pregnant again any sooner than that makes me queasy. The new baby will be in the still healing uterus thinking, “Hey, it smells like Jack in here!” And what would Jack think? It would be like going away to college, coming home that first Thanksgiving break, and discovering that in the short time you’ve been gone your parents have turned your bedroom into an office. That ain’t cool.

Anyway, even with all of this thought (and you can see, it’s ALL I think about), it only rarely sinks in that at the end of it all we’re going to have a new person in the house. Occasionally my mind will flash forward to what it’s going to be like having a toddler in the house again. He’s going to talk and walk and laugh and discover new things. We’ll have to get used to having the TV on Noggin and PBS again since his sister has graduated to situational comedies and tween dramas. We’ll have to baby proof the house. If there’s a coin on the floor we’ll have to pick it up because we’ll have a person in the house who likes to put everything in his mouth (though Kali never went through that phase.) He’s going to laugh, cry, burp, hiccup, and learn to talk.

We’ll have to explain everything all over again. You know, those simple questions that are the hardest to answer. “Why is snow white?” “What is sarcasm?” “Can’t you just go to the ATM and get more money?” We have to explain, the best we can, the way the world works to yet another person. At least we’ll have Kali to help; although, she gets some things better than others.

“Mommy, Twat is coming over. Isn’t that exciting?”

“The highlight of my day.”

“Ok, was that sarcasm? Sometimes I can’t tell.”

“Yes, honey. That was sarcasm.”

What have I gotten myself (and my vagina) into?