Auntie Good Pussy

I want to tell you about my real life friends. Tangible people that I see, feel, talk to, love.

David last week before going to see Beyonce in concert. Fucker.

About David:

David and I met when I worked at MCI in Alpharetta.

My boss also happened to be my next door neighbor – a gay man we shall call Lawrence. I was Lawrence’s assistant. As a manager Lawrence had a medium-sized staff, but those that reported directly to him had it made. I was one of his direct reports, obviously, and became good friends with two others – Dee (project manager) and Derrick (supervisor). We had the corporate Amex cards, company laptops, the luxury to “work from home,” etc.

A typical lunch break – especially when Lawrence was out of town on business – would last two hours…at least. It was not unusual for me to drive about two minutes to North Point mall, hit up Macy’s for two pairs of shoes, a purse, Old Navy for some jeans, Victoria’s Secret for some new bras, MAC for lip gloss, Bath and Body Works for lotions, and then have the nerve to go eat in a restaurant for 45 minutes. You’d walk past my cubicle at 4pm to find my ass trying on new shoes. I was a hot ass mess.

When Lawrence announced he was hiring a friend of his we (Dee, Derrick, and I) were like, “Hmph, why?” We didn’t want some new guy coming in and fucking up our flow. The new guy was David. The first week or so I was pretty shady to David. And trust me, when Nina throws shade…she throws serious shade. (Don’t ask me why I slipped into third person)

I would do things like take my purse and leave it at my friend Shay’s cubicle (it was closer to the exit) so when lunch time rolled around and David saw me get up to leave my cubicle (his was across from mine) he would think I was going to the bathroom or something and not ask, “What are you doing for lunch?” Or, if I was really crafty I’d grab an empty folder or something so it looked like I was off to a meeting.

I would quickly grab my purse from Shay’s desk and head for the parking lot. Dee would dip out ten minutes later and Derrick five minutes before that. We’d all meet up at some place like The Cheesecake Factory or California Pizza Kitchen and have a good laugh over lunch while sipping on martinis. See, we couldn’t just let anyone in our circle. We didn’t want to lose our cushy jobs because of a snitch.

Then shortly after he started I was out for two weeks to have my tonsils removed. When I returned to the office I was like a lioness – I didn’t want some other bitch moving in on my territory. These were my friends, my co-conspirators. There was only room for one fabulous diva in our circle and I was it. But, while I was gone everyone else got to know David and insisted he was cool. I warmed to him soon after and then we were glued at the hips.

They started calling us Will and Grace. It was not uncommon to hear laughs coming from our cubicles. All day. The worst was when it was really quiet on the floor and all you would hear was us typing away. Clack-click-clack. Then one of us would bust out laughing. Dead giveaway that we’d been IM’ing each other. If Lawrence wanted to meet with David, Dee, or Derrick I would consult their schedules first – you know, in case that day they planned on dipping out early or taking a long lunch. Yeah, I had their backs before my manager’s. Sue me.

David and I would take smoke breaks together. (Yeah, I stopped after I had my tonsils removed) We went on Weight Watchers together though his fine ass didn’t need it. But I appreciated the support. David has a way of being my biggest supporter….

While totally having body issues – I’m so damn tall and curvy and sometimes I love it and other times I hate it because for 24 years of my life I was skinny..downright bony – I said this while watching a Mariah Carey video:

Nina: I want my body to look like that. Like Mariah’s.

David: Bitch, your body does look like that.

Awwww….then there are times…

David: You remind me of Tyra.

Nina: Aww, really?

David: Yeah, you’re both tall and pretty….

Nina: Thanks!

David:…and ghetto.

(My sister had a similiar compliment once but hers ended with, “…and you’re both corny.”)

David puts up with me. Not many people can. He judges me, but in a loving way. You should have seen his face the day I came strutting into work with a khaki skirt that though it fell below the knee clinged to every curve….and a split up the side…each side. The ass and legs were like whoa.  And I had on these shoes…

From then on he called me Lil Kim

Then there was the time Dee sewed this long ass weave in for me. I mean, to my ass long. And I was at my cubicle trying not to sit on the damn thing and I just felt someone looking at me. It was David.

David: Bitch, I want you to cut that damn weave.

And don’t even get me started on my faux bags. Especially the Prada ones. He hated them!! (His dog’s name is Prada) One night, two summers ago, we were at my house drinking, eating pizza, and watching Big Brother 6. He glanced at my faux Prada on the coffee table.

David: Does Prada even make a bag like that?

Nina: Snob.

David is the one that came up with the name La-La for Lawrence. Don’t ask me where it came from or why. But we began calling that man La-La behind his back. It was not uncommon for me to get an IM from Dee, Derrick, David, or Shay asking, “What time La-La leaving?”  Cause let me tell you, when La-La was away the mice played. Though I had it a bit harder than the others cause if he left to go home early I couldn’t follow right behind him because he’d see my black ass pulling into my garage. Remember, he lived next door.

So, one day David sends this IM….

What time is La-La leaving?

….to La-La.

Lawrence comes strutting around to our cubicles, “So, you guys call me La-La, huh?” We could have kicked. David’s. ass. He totally redeemed himself by finding a replacement name so perfect, so fucking awesome, it brought tears to our eyes the first time we heard it. Uncle Peaches. Later, Peaches for short.

What time is Peaches leaving?

Then in the summer of 2005 I got laid off. I didn’t care. As a matter of fact, when we were first told that the layoffs were coming I was praying I was on the list. Nice severance package and I’d be done with that damn place? Fine by me. Because of our personal relationship, Peaches told me early though he wasn’t supposed to. By the time the big day had rolled around I’d already taken all my personal shit (The Sims 2, writing projects, pictures, emails, IMs, etc.) off the laptop, cleaned out my desk, and stocked up on office supplies. Don’t judge me.

Where some people came in that day (a Friday) all sad and scared, my ass came strutting in wearing low rise jeans, brown heels, with a cute little brown top and fabulous cleavage, a hot ass weave, nails done, eyebrows fierce. I went to Peaches’ desk.

Peaches: Damn, look at you!

Nina: Can I go first?

I was more than ready to get the fuck up outta there. I had my rental car packed in the parking lot. I got laid off, hopped in my ride, and drove down to Destin, Florida where I read by the hotel pool, shopped, went out to eat, went to the movies, and shook my ass (and weave) in many nightclubs by the beach all weekend.

That’s how I roll, bitches.

(Key to a successful marriage? Ladies, do something like that at least twice a year. I did. Pack your favorite CDs, clothes, and shoes and go shake your ass.)

David was laid off in the next round of lay-offs a few months after me. While I went back to school he went to real estate school. David now sells fabulous houses in Atlanta (not to mention the bad ass house he lives in), drives an awesome car (I want it!), and just lives this fabulous life of vacations, and good friends, and just…a good life.

I missed David. We still talk on the phone and IM, but we don’t see each other as much as we used to. He makes fun of my Myspace “popularity” and is pissed because he’s not in my Top Friends. I tell him that it’s a pain in the ass to try and find his profile amongst 900+ people to put him up there, but Tobias (his boyfriend) is so that should mean something.

You can just imagine how happy I was when David called last night at 7:45pm…

David: Is your house clean?

Nina: Yes.

It wasn’t.

David: ‘Cause I want to come over and watch Big Brother and So You Think You Can Dance and I don’t want to hear any shit about it.

Nina: Come on over!

Donny and I hung out with David and had such a good time.

I always ask him if the cute boys that I want to molest on So You Think You Can Dance are gay. I’m in lust with Danny. As we watched him dance tonight….

David: Nina, even if he was straight would you want a man that could spin around like that?

Nina: Uh, yeah. If he looked like that he could twirl his ass around all he wanted. I’d be like, “Get up on the coffee table, baby.”

Then….

Nina: You always say the boys I like on here are gay.

David: Well, it’s not like I’m one of those gay guys that want all guys to be gay. You just keep picking the ones that happen to be gay…on reality dance shows…that can do pirouettes.

David and Nina on Women

Nina: Pasha (So You Think You Can Dance contestant) is hot.

David: Yeah, but he has that gap.

Nina: I have a gap!  See, my friend Frogger on Myspace said the same thing about his gap – that it had to go, and I told her that I have one and she wrote back, “So do I. It’s hot on women. It means we’re better in bed.”

David: Women get on my nerves with that. Yall always coming up with some shit to make you feel better about yourselves. Like my Aunt talking ’bout because she has hair on her chest that means her pussy is good. Talking ’bout, “Just call me Auntie Good Pussy.

And I damn near pissed myself laughing. There was no way I was not going to title this blog that.

I love David.